


Faux Pas

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bigotry & Prejudice, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, War, implied Jack/Shep, implied Miranda/Shep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-03-08 12:40:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 42,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3209579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Shepard was a ruthless man, a career soldier unwilling to compromise, but ready to carry out any campaign his King entrusted to him. There was no doubt that he got results, he was a man of action who seemed to know his King’s mind. He had not always been like that, once he had been a fearful and angry child, but those days were long forgotten and no one dared remind him. Knight-Commander Shepard was larger than life as he arrived alongside his King, their campaign successful, and the enemy culled. Being a soldier to the bone, he knew all too well the importance of leaving the war at the battlefield, and as he jumped off his horse, he had a bounce in his step as if he had not a care in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This project has been some time in the making, but who cares? Now it's here, and we really hope you will like it. And like any other fic I wrote, I ask that you read the warnings. Damn I suck at writing these intro things. xD
> 
> Thanks to AsylumFarm for the betawork.
> 
> Illustrated by the fantastic [Maxxiedemon](http://maxxiedemon.tumblr.com/)
> 
> There is a soundtrack [ @8tracks](http://8tracks.com/darlingazzy/faux-pas-fanfiction-soundtrack)

> _Loss is nothing else but change, and change is nature's delight. - Marcus Aurelius_

  

* * *

 

[ ](http://smg.photobucket.com/user/AZombie/media/KingJamesBW_zps1355ceb0.jpg.html)

"King James" by [Maxxiedemon](http://maxxiedemon.tumblr.com/)

 

John Shepard was a ruthless man, a career soldier unwilling to compromise, but ready to carry out any campaign his King entrusted to him. There was no doubt that he got results, he was a man of action who seemed to know his King’s mind. He had not always been like that, once he had been a fearful and angry child, but those days were long forgotten and no one dared remind him.

Knight-Commander Shepard was larger than life as he arrived alongside his King, their campaign successful, and the enemy culled. Being a soldier to the bone, he knew all too well the importance of leaving the war at the battlefield, and as he jumped off his horse, he had a bounce in his step as if he had not a care in the world. Walking straight for his living quarters he yearned for a warm bath and a real meal, but as he opened the door, what met him was his wife, Lady Jaqueline with two other ladies from the court, giggling and whispering.

”Ladies,” Shepard said, and nodded towards them, he knew that he ought to greet them but he just could not be bothered.

”Husband,” Lady Jaqueline said, with a forced smile, watching him as he disappeared into the next room. ”I trust your campaign was victorious?”

Shepard did not answer, he just sat down on their bed, unclasped his breastplate and let it fall to the ground as he pulled off his boots. His entire body was aching and tired, and he felt years older than what he was. He heard Jaqueline send off the other ladies and the door close. He didn't even open his eyes as she entered the bedroom.

”You are filthy,” She said softly. “Must you lie on our bed?”

Shepard felt like whining like a petulant child, but he summoned all his willpower and smiled, ”You could get down here with me, and I could make you filthy too.”

Lady Jaqueline chuckled, ”Always the charmer.”

”You love me,” Shepard mumbled.

”I must, because if I did not I would surely have you taken from my personal chambers.” She jested, sitting down on the bed, and placing a hand on Shepard's grimy one. ”Let me call someone to draw a bath for you.”

”That would be nice.” Shepard agreed, listening to his wife's soft footsteps as she left the room. He must have dozed off because when she came back and woke him, the bath was already waiting for him. ”Come,” She urged. ”Your bath is ready.”

”Thank you,” Shepard groaned with a tired smile, slowly getting up stretching his back. He undid the buckles of his chainmail and left it on the bed. He would have to come back and gather his armor, but right now, it had to wait. He sat down on a chair next to the bath in their main living area and pulled off his pants and shirt. Stepping down into the hot bath, h thought he should get the doctors to look at his shoulder that was misbehaving, but it had to wait, he needed this ritual to cleanse himself from battle. It was more than to wash off the dried blood and grime, it was like washing off the battle itself. As if the water had rejuvenating abilities and he was born again when he arose. 

”Husband?” Lady Jaqueline asked softly, coming over to the bath carrying a bar of soap. ”You never answered me, was your campaign victorious?”

”Yes.” Shepard said. Closing his eyes again, he leaned forward so Lady Jaqueline could wash his back.

”You didn't escape without wounds I see,” She said carefully soaping up his back, neck and hair.

”One never does, dear wife.” He answered closing his eyes in bliss as her long fingers worked his scalp.

 ”I think some of them are infected,” She stated. Shepard chose to ignore it, and just enjoy the soft touch. Lady Jaqueline took a deep breath and said, ”John?”

”What is a matter my dear?” Shepard mumbled.

”Did you get a chance to talk to the King? About you know...”

”No.”

”I am beginning to wonder if you really want this or not.” Lady Jaqueline said, finally abandoning her massage.

”Oh Jacqueline, my dear, dear wife,” Shepard sighed, finally opening his eyes and looking over at his wife sitting in a chair next to the bathtub. ”I want to ask him, but it's just never the right moment.”  Lady Jaqueline opened her mouth to say something but Shepard held up a hand to silence her, ”Believe me, the battlefield is not the right place for such a talk.” 

Lady Jaqueline frowned, ”It's never the right place for that talk, is it?” She sneered.

Shepard groaned, and Lady Jaqueline got up and stomped out of the room angrily. Shepard didn't call out for her, he knew she'd come around eventually, and really she was right. He had promised to ask the King for an application, signed by him, allowing them to have a child. Surely, the ministry for family affairs wouldn't deny it with the King’s signature on it. Shepard closed his eyes frowning, he wasn't even sure how she roped him into asking for something like that, he must have been drunk and she must have been doing wicked things to him. She knew he'd agree to anything if she did it just right. It angered him that he had been tricked into asking the King for something like this, but on the other hand, he knew that Lady Jaqueline really wanted a child. Truthfully, he had been postponing it, he knew how rare it was that a biotic was allowed a child, even if they filed application after application. He was quite sure that Lady Jaqueline knew this too, and what if she was denied her wish, even with the Kings signature? Then what? Would she demand that they leave the comforts of court and go back to where she was born and lived in hiding to have an illegal child? Would she just leave him if she didn't get her permit? He didn't know, but he knew he had to do something, and whatever happened, happened.

Shepard got out of the water and stepped across the floor, getting water all over Lady Jaqueline’s damn expensive carpets, but he couldn't care less. He got dressed with his head full of thoughts, what if the ABM had agents in the ministry of family affairs, then all applying was futile. Just a couple of years ago the ABM had seemed like a group of crazy bigots, but they had all underestimated that people who don’t know better tend to fear what they do not understand. No one understood why some people were born with biotic powers and some were not. The ABM wanted to account for all biotics, and the first time they had suggested that, most people had laughed and thought it ridiculous, but it was a reality now. The ABM really wanted to register all biotics, starting in the small, making sure they had to register or their entire family would be fined heavily. As a registered biotic you had to ask for permission to procreate, because what if your child had the 'gift' as well? No one knew how this carried over, if it was just a freak of nature, or if it was hereditary. Shepard buttoned up his shirt and pulled out a pair of soft boots from the dresser. It felt heavenly to wear something that was light and soft, now that he had been wearing that battle armor for so long.

The night was cold for summer time, but the great halls were like an oven. People were laughing, dancing, and sweating, all in a room without any real air. Shepard almost wished he could return outside, when one of the other commanders saw him and he was caught up in polite greetings on his way to the table overflowing with food and wine. He chatted and laughed, while eating, actively ignoring his wife's angry glare from across the room.

-*-

Shepard did not notice a different pair of brown eyes following his every move from the shadows. With a soft puzzled little smile, Kaidan wondered how the Knight-Commander's wife could be upset with him, he just returned from battle like a hero, shining brighter than a star. Kaidan watched as a beautiful young man came and filled the Knight-Commander's glass. He noticed the smile they exchanged and it made him look away. It stirred something in his chest, it was all too familiar and spoke of an intimacy that Kaidan didn't know, but still it intrigued him. He watched as the Knight-Commander bowed for a lady and then hauled her into the dance, what Kaidan wouldn't give to dance like that again, with the ease and entitlement that the Knight-Commander did.

”Brother Alenko.”  The man next to Kaidan said, ”It's getting late, we should return to the temple.”

”Yes,” Kaidan said softly. He knew he was torturing himself by hiding here in the back, staring at the Knight-Commander. He would be a liar if he didn't admit that he was glad that he returned to court unharmed, and that he worried how many times he would do that. Someday his day would come, like Kaidan's father had said when Kaidan was a child, 'live by the sword, die by the sword, my son.' and in those words lay the wish that he'd much rather see his sons turn into politicians and scholars than soldiers.

-*-

Shepard had noticed from the corner of his eye that Lady Jaqueline had left the feast. It made him relax a little since it seemed like she would not continue their discussion here in the midst of court. He was falling down tired, but he would wait a little longer, have another drink and hope she would be asleep when he got back to their chambers. He took his glass and went outside to the courtyard to get some cooler air. Two priests walked across the yard, he nodded and smiled as he sat down on a stone bench, resting his feet.

”Knight-Commander?” One of the priests said, making Shepard look up, ”Welcome back, and congratulations on the victory.”

Shepard smiled, ”Thank you, brother. But it's hardly my glory, there was an entire army, and his Majesty is quite a skilled swordsman as well.”

”Oh I didn't mean to offend Sir, I just - ”

”Do not worry Brother, you didn't offend,” Shepard said with an amused grin. ”Thank you for your concern, it is very kind of you.” He took a sip of his wine.

”There you Knight-Commander.” The young man from the feast said with a little out of breath grin, sitting down on the bench next to Shepard.

 ”Here I am,” Shepard stated with a drunken grin. ”I was just having a conversation with brother, uhm..”  He gestured towards Kaidan.

”Alenko, Sir.” Kaidan said.

”Brother Alenko.” Shepard repeated, ”And he has shown more genuine concern for my person, than anyone else around here has, including my wife. And I am guessing what brings you out here isn't concern for my wellbeing either.” He raised one eyebrow, staring directly at the young man.

”Sort of,” The young man said. ”But I came with more of a healing of the soul, request.”

”Ah.” Shepard said with an amused shake of his head, ”So you think you'd be better at soothing my troubled soul than a priest?”

”Yes,” The young man said. ”Because I know what you need,” He smiled knowingly. ”And want.”

”True.” Shepard grinned, he turned to Kaidan and smiled. ”Forgive me brother, you lost me to temptation.” He stood up from the bench and placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. ”I bid you a goodnight Brother, and I honestly appreciate your concern.”

”You are welcome Knight-Commander, sir.” Kaidan mumbled, hoping that the night would disguise his discomfort of the situation.

”Come, Shepard,” The young man grinned, grabbing Shepard's hand hauling him off. ”You can come too if you want to priest!” The young man called.

Kaidan just looked away and started to walk back to the temple, his cheeks ablaze.

”Must you torment the poor man?” Shepard argued behind Kaidan.

”I wasn't tormenting him, it was a serious offer.” The young man laughed.

  

* * *

 

 

Shepard had not been waiting for long when the guard called for him to enter the Kings chambers. He did not know what the King wished of him, he hoped it was not a new campaign so soon, his entire body still felt like it had gone through a wringer, and Lady Jaqueline was still upset with him. If he left now for more glory on the battlefield, he was not sure she would remain at his side, and wait for his return. DE put those thoughts aside and bowed as he saw the King sit at his table, idly picking at some food. ”Your, Majesty,” Shepard said.

”Ah, Shepard, Come sit,” King James gestured to Shepard to take the seat opposite him. ”I trust your return was welcome.”

”Yes, Your Majesty,” Shepard said with a careful smile.

James laughed softly. “Any soldier loves his duty on the battlefield, but loves the brief downtime even more.” He took a sip from his cup. ”Shepard I called on you because I have a task for you, one which I can trust to none else.”

”Yes?”

”It's the Queen, she is not happy. I believe some time away from court will do her good,” James said with a sigh. ”The doctors say that time in the countryside might aid her fertility, and I want my future heirs' mother to be healthy.”

”Naturally, my King,” Shepard said, wondering if now would be a good time to present Jaqueline’s petition, but he decided against it because King James looked so tired and worried. Naturally, he was worried that his beautiful wife had not yet given him an heir, they had been married for two years and people were starting to wonder. He needed an heir, and Shepard knew this. Much was at stake for the Queen, and to Shepard it seemed that the King genuinely loved the Queen, so of course he felt torn because eventually he would have to get himself another wife should the Queen turn out to be barren. A Queen did not have many goals in life or chores that she had to see through, her only tasks were to look pretty, and carry heirs for her King. Queen Miranda was pretty, but that did not help her much if she was unable to carry heirs for her King. Shepard could tell that his King felt conflicted about all this, and just gave him a sympathetic smile when he could have spoken on Jaqueline’s behalf. ”What do you need of me?”

”I need you to escort the Queen to her uncle’s summer residence, maybe some time of quiet and sun will do her some good,” King James said as he pushed the plate away.

”Yes, my King,” Shepard said. ”When do you wish for me to depart?”

”Tomorrow morning,” The King said. ”I have yet to tell the Queen.” His smile was amused, but his eyes were sad.

”Do not worry, my King, I will safeguard her to her uncle’s summer residence, and see to it that she settles before I return,” Shepard stated with a steady voice.

”I knew I could count on you, Shepard,” King James said with a relieved sigh. ”I will make sure your wife is compensated with gifts.”

”Thank you, your majesty,” Shepard said with a heartfelt smile. Maybe Lady Jaqueline would forgive him just a little bit.

”I know wives,” King James said, getting up from his chair. He walked over to a cabinet, Shepard just watched as he brought back a beautiful necklace. ”Give this to her, and tell her that she will be given more upon your departure.”

”It is beautiful, Your Majesty,” Shepard said holding out his hand to receive the necklace, studying it. ”Thank you and bless you my King,” He said as he closed his fingers around the necklace.

”I will see you and the Queen off tomorrow,” The King said. ”Thank you, Shepard.”

-*-

Shepard studied the necklace as he walked back to his private chambers, a necklace however beautiful would probably not soothe Lady Jaqueline’s anger, but the King had given him a task, and he was going to see it through no matter if his wife liked it or not. He opened the door and saw her sit there alone writing something he could only assume was a journal or a letter. ”Darling?” He called out. “Could we have some civilized words?”

”Of course,” Lady Jaqueline said, turning around to face him. ”You come from the King?”

”I do,” Shepard said, holding out his hand with the necklace. ”He gave me this to give to you.” 

”Truthfully?” Lady Jaqueline gave her husband with a suspicious glare.

”Cross my heart,” Shepard said stepping around his wife to dress her in the necklace. Closing the clasp, he wrapped his arms around her, and rested his chin on her shoulder. ”There is something I must tell you, this gift does not come without strings, please don't be upset with me, King James gave you this gift to soothe your temper so you might forgive me for leaving again, when I only just arrived.”

Lady Jaqueline sighed. ”Did you talk to him about the application?”

”It slipped my mind,” Shepard said, knowing that his lie sounded weak, even to him. ”Please, darling, don't be mad, I will be back soon. And when I report back to the King, I  _will_ remember to ask him.”

”John?” Lady Jaqueline turned in her seat, looking straight at her husband. ”Tell me the truth, do you even want a child? Or are you just humoring me?”

”Oh Jaqueline, where do those dark thoughts come from? Of course I want a child.” He kissed her jaw. “I want to watch you grow heavy with my son.” He kissed her neck. “We will be a family, trust me.”

”I do,” Lady Jaqueline closed her eyes and relaxed in Shepard's arms. ”I love you.”

”I love you too,” Shepard mumbled.

”Stop,” Lady Jaqueline whispered, pushing Shepard's hand away as he pushed her dress up to access her thighs under all the fabric. ”Stop!”

Shepard sighed and removed his hand, resting his forehead against her shoulder. ”We could -”

”No,” She said. ”I told you, get the -”

”I know,” Shepard sighed deeper. He knew that Lady Jaqueline was deadly afraid of getting pregnant, and if they did not have the application, she could risk imprisonment and her pregnancy terminated. In addition, should their application for a child be denied, and she got pregnant anyway, she would destroy them all. Such was the power of those few members of the ABM, who were in the ministry of family, and the ministry of crime and punishment. Not to mention those in national affairs. It was a desperate situation, which in the end meant that they both ignored the lovers they each kept, when all Shepard really wanted, was his wife. He understood perfectly why she would invite a lady from the court or two to her bed, he left her alone for far too long when he was on campaigns. In turn he turned all his frustration elsewhere, be it a lover in bed, or a foe to kill with his sword. ”If you'd only let me-.”

”No,” Lady Jaqueline said twisting out of Shepard's arms and got to her feet. ”So where does this task take you? And how long will you be gone this time?”

Shepard slipped into her abandoned chair, adjusting his pants a little, as he sat. ”I am to escort the Queen. And I do not know when I will be back.”

Lady Jaqueline sighed but studied her mirror image with the necklace in the mirror. ”It's a beautiful necklace.”

”Yes,” Shepard said. ”It suits you perfectly.” He smiled at his wife.

”Flatterer,” Lady Jaqueline smiled at the mirror image of Shepard behind her. ”When will you leave?”

”Tomorrow morning,” Shepard said.

”Fine,” Lady Jaqueline said, but her expression gave away that she was not okay with it.

Shepard looked down at his feet. “What if I promise to go talk to the Senior Priest? I know he is against the ABM, and maybe he can help with smoothing the process. Surely not all in the ministry of family affairs can be against us.”

”You are right,” Lady Jaqueline said. ”Yes, try that, maybe the Senior Priest will help.”

-*-

Kaidan was helping a brother take away the used candles in the temple, and light new ones, when he heard the Senior Priest arguing with someone in hushed angry voices. He looked around the corner and saw the back of a man he knew well, he looked over at the brother quickly, before he tiptoed closer, candles in hand so it looked like he was working and not prying. Truth was he was curious about what could aggravate the Senior Priest so.

”Surely you can do something,” Shepard argued.

”I can remind certain members of their humanity, which is all I can do Knight-Commander,” the Senior Priest said, firmly.

 Shepard growled angrily and shook his head. “Do you realize what this means? It means I cannot lay with my wife, it means that she has been angry with me for the last year at least because I failed to obtain an application for her. All she wants is a baby, and all I want is my wife. Surely you can understand that?”

The Senior Priest looked less than impressed but nodded. “I understand your dilemma Knight-Commander, but I already gave you my answer.”

”Alright,” Shepard said with a forced smile. “I would be forever grateful for whatever help you can provide, Your Holiness.”

”Good day, Knight-Commander,” the Senior Priest said.

”Good day, Your Holiness,” Shepard said turning around and walking towards the exit, his hands balled up so tight his knuckles were white.

-*-

Shepard stood and waited for the Queen with her servants, the King arrived with her. Shepard smiled and bowed. “Your Majesties,” He said, hearing the rustle of fabric that told him everyone else bowed with him.

”Knight-Commander,” The Queen said. “Stand.”

Shepard stood and held out his arm for the Queen to take it. ”My Queen, it's not a long ride, there is nothing you should worry about.”

”I am not worried, Knight-Commander,” Queen Miranda said steering them towards her horse.

Shepard dared not look back at the King as he aided the Queen to her saddle. ”Very well, my Queen, are you comfortable?”

”I am, can we leave?”

”Yes, my Queen,” Shepard said and went for his own horse where King James stood waiting. “She did not take the news as well as I had hoped.”

”I am sure she will forgive you as soon as she has rested, my King,” Shepard said with a respectful bow.

”Let's hope so,” King James said nodding. ”Safe journey, Shepard. I know she is in the very best hands when you are here.”

”I will protect her with my life, my King,” Shepard said, and when the King did not say more, he mounted his horse, riding alongside the Queen out of the castle.

-*-

Queen Miranda's uncle was a councilman of the ministry of crime and punishment, and even Shepard thought he was intimidating. Lord Donnel Udina had a lifetime of politics behind him, and many years in front of him as well. He could sell you seawater on a sinking boat, and Shepard always both feared and admired men with silvered tongues like that. He had learned from his first encounters with court that you had to be careful around them, that much was certain.

Shepard made sure that the Queen’s servants had settled in, but he had not seen the Queen since their arrival. ”Sir?” A young maid called. “Sir?”  Shepard turned around and smiled at her. “Yes? Is something amiss?”

”No sir, but the matron asks if you are hungry after your travels,” The young maid nodded eagerly. “She wishes for you to come to the kitchens and get a serving of food and a glass of wine before you travel back to the royal court.”

Shepard smiled wider. ”Tell your matron that I am famished, and I would love to have some food.”

”Thank you sir,” The young maid said bowing and scurried back to the kitchen.

Shepard walked back to the kitchen, taking a bowl of food and a glass of wine, one of the kitchen maids offered him while the matron finished the pies she was preparing for dinner.

”How come you do not eat with the lordship?” The young maid asked, looking at Shepard.

”Seryna!” The matron hissed at her. ”Leave the Knight-Commander to his meal.”

”Forgive me, matron.”

Shepard smiled at the girl again. ”Because I am not one of them.”  He picked some chicken off his plate and ate it.

The young maid Seryna looked over her shoulder at the matron, and then sat down next to Shepard eager to hear more. ”But you ride next to the Queen, and you are -”

”Seryna! I won't say it again,” The matron yelled. ”I am sorry Knight-Commander, she is a simple girl and has the mind of a wet rock, but works like a horse.”

Shepard laughed softly. “I don't mind.” He turned to Seryna. “All those lords and ladies in there,” He nodded towards the door. “They are all lords by blood, their titles were passed down to them.” He sipped his wine. “I am just a servant, much like you. So I eat in the kitchen.”

”Oh?” Seryna looked puzzled, but accepted the answer.

”Forgive me for asking Knight-Commander, but do you know when you return to the royal courts? I need to know if I should make another bed for the night,” The matron asked, wiping her hands in her apron.

”I plan on returning tonight, there is no need for you to make a bed for me,” Shepard smiled.

Shepard finished his meal and went to the stables to have someone ready his horse. Then he went in search of Lord Udina or the Queen to announce that he was leaving. He could hear music and figured that he would find them there. All those fancy rooms with pretty paintings and heavy drapes always made him feel out of place, he stood in the door for a little while just listening to the music. Lord Udina turned his head when he noticed Shepard in the doorframe. ”Knight-Commander Shepard, come sit.”

”My Lord,” Shepard said, inching into the room. “Forgive me for intruding, but I came to announce my departure.”

”Departure?” Queen Miranda asked surprised. “You are leaving?”

”Yes, my Queen, my task was to escort you here safely, and return.” Shepard bowed at his Queen out of habit more than anything else.

”Don't,” Queen Miranda said. ”Stay for a few days, maybe the countryside would do you good as well.”  She nodded at her uncle. ”Doesn't he look gaunt uncle? Can he stay some time before he must return to the court?”

Udina nodded, and Shepard smiled politely. ”In that case, my Queen, my lords, I would be delighted.”

”Great!” Queen Miranda smiled. ”Come, let me take you to the matron, so she can make you a bed for your stay.” She got up and took Shepard's arm, leading him out of the room.

Shepard was confused. ”There is no need, my Queen, I know where to find the matron.”

”Hush, Shepard,” She smiled a friendly, intimate smile at the Knight-Commander as she used his name instead of title. ”I was bored to tears in there.”

”Oh...” Shepard chuckled. ”in that case my Queen, carry on.”

”Matron?!” Queen Miranda called, searching the kitchen. ”Where is that damn woman? Matron!”

The Matron came out from the gardens with her hands full of dead chickens. ”My Queen,” She bowed.

”Aw come now Matron, you have known me since I was a little girl, there is no need for all that,” Queen Miranda laughed merrily.

”People who forget proper etiquette can quickly find themselves on the gallows hill. Better safe than sorry.” The Matron said, but shot Queen Miranda a motherly smile. ”What will it be my dear?”

”My uncle and I persuaded the Knight-Commander to stay a few days. Could you have one of the girls make up a bed for him for a couple of nights?” Queen Miranda asked.

The Matron shot Shepard a glare but then smiled. “Of course my dear.”

”Thank you.”

-*-

The first night Shepard felt bad because he had promised Lady Jaqueline he would be home as soon as possible, but on the other hand, who was he to deny his Queen his time? If she wanted him to stay, he would stay. However, as he walked outside that first day, the wind and sun on his face, he knew exactly why Queen Miranda had suggested it. It had been ages since he had last enjoyed the countryside, it had to be at least four years ago, before either he or King James married. Back when King James was more interested in hunting parties and loose women than war and politics. He missed those days, but he also knew that even if he did suggest King James go for a hunting trip for a few days with his old crew of mates, it would never be the same. They were all lords and politicians, and they had maybe in some aspects just grown up. Still he missed the times when they could afford to be just James and John, get shitfaced drunk and hunt deer. Not a worry in the world.

The last couple of years his life had been nothing but war, and the brief downtime between battles. In the two years he had been married to Lady Jaqueline, he had been at her side for maybe five months total. Had he known what it meant for them that she is a Biotic, would he still have married her?  If he was being completely honest with himself, probably not. In the beginning, it had not really bothered either of them that they could not have conventional intercourse, they had just changed the rules in their marriage bed, and there were other ways of fucking than the most common. He could have died happy like that, he did not miss conventional intercourse, Lady Jaqueline was amazingly flexible and had the most wicked tongue he had ever met. Eventually she had stopped enjoying his touch, she had rejected his every advance, and grown more and more miserable. It had not dawned on him that she might feel like she was missing out on something, and the fear of pregnancy became the intense wish for a child. Shepard closed his eyes and just enjoyed the warmth of the sun on his face, when he returned from this trip he would give her what she wanted, and maybe then, she would not be so miserable.

”Good morning, Shepard,” Queen Miranda said with a smile, sitting down next to him.

”My Queen,” Shepard smiled and sat up. ”What brings you out here?”

”Pardon me, but did you really go hunting with James when you were younger?” The Queen asked

”I did,” Shepard said. “He is a gifted hunter, my Queen.”

”So I heard, but I also heard from Lord Taylor, and Lord Cortez that so are you.” Queen Miranda smiled knowingly. ”Take me hunting, Shepard.”

”Of course, my Queen,” Shepard said.

”Come then,” Queen Miranda took his hand again and hauled him off with her.

”Wait, wait,” Shepard laughed. ”A hunt takes preparation... we cannot just...”

”I already took care of that,” Queen Miranda laughed. “I just needed you to come along.”

”Cunning, my Queen,” Shepard chuckled as he let her take him to the hunting party, which waited for them.

-*-

Three days passed and every day Queen Miranda and Shepard would venture out, exploring the woods. This day the Matron had packed a giant picnic basket that they brought along, since the Queen had planned on learning how to fish, and the lake was quite far way away.

As they rode through the forest Shepard felt almost melancholy, he was going to miss the freedom and the informality of this place when he returned to the castle.

 

”Say, can I ask you a personal question Shepard?” Queen Miranda asked.

”Yes, my Queen,” Shepard said, looking over his shoulder at Queen Miranda that rode at his side.

”Why are you and the King estranged?”

”Oh,” Shepard looked down at his hands holding the reins of his horse. ”When the prince became the king, I became his loyal servant instead of -” He smiled sadly. “I love King James dearly and would still lay down my life for him, make no mistake, my Queen.”

”Is that a threat?”

”Not the slightest my Queen, it's a statement.” He nodded to himself.

”Do you ever miss him?” The Queen asked.

Shepard nodded, but did not vocalize it. The Queen looked up and down the seasoned soldier at her side. ”How come you are not a lord with your own lands, like the rest of the Kings personal circle?”

Shepard chuckled. “I would be a terrible politician, and an even worse Lord.” He looked over at the Queen who just shook her head amused. “Come now Shepard, the real reason,” Shepard sighed. “Alright, I am not a noble, like the rest of them. That is why.”

”You're not?” The Queen asked surprised, she had just never given it thought.

”No,” Shepard stated. ”The King’s old wet-nurse adopted me, that is how I ended up in court.”

”Interesting, so you were always a servant.” She pondered upon this a little and then asked. “And your wife? Is she a commoner too?”

Shepard felt a weird pang of shame because Jaqueline would absolutely hate to be called a commoner. “Yes, she is the daughter of a merchant. But I beg you my Queen, do not tell anyone this, she would be absolutely devastated if this got out.”

”At ease Shepard, we are just talking. You can trust me,” Queen Miranda said softly.

-*-

Funny how at peace Shepard felt while lying there in the grass watching the horses trot about. He was hearing the birds and insects of the forest and nothing else. No stink like in the city, and no constant noise like at court. Just peace. For a short moment, he wondered if he should suggest to Lady Jaqueline to move far out into the countryside and raise their child. He could not imagine anything more idyllic and peaceful.

”This is the life,” The Queen sighed.

Shepard chuckled and turned his head to look at Queen Miranda flat on her back to his right. ”It is indeed lovely.” Shepard bit his lip and sat up. ”My Queen, would it be too much to ask you for a personal favor?” There! He has said it, if she said  _no_  he would just let it all rest, and accept it when Lady Jaqueline left him, because he was quite sure she would unless he solved the baby problem.

”Of course. Can't say I will grant it to you unless I hear what it is though.”

”My wife… Shepard had to take a deep breath. “My wife is a Biotic, and all she wants is a child. We applied many times but either no answer was given or it was rejected for some procedural error. I have been meaning to ask the King for months, but the right time was just never there, he seems so troubled already and I did not want to trouble him with my personal issues. What I am asking of you my Queen, is would you please sign the application? Maybe they will let us through and grant Lady Jaqueline a permit for a child if it has your blessing, your signature on it.”

Queen Miranda sat silent for a while, and then nodded. “Of course I will sign it for her if you just bring me the application.”

”Thank you!” Shepard let out a breath he had been holding, waiting for an answer. He leaned in and took the wine, pouring them both another glass.

”Call me Miranda,” Queen Miranda said.

”No, I can't my Queen,” Shepard said handing her, her cup.

”Come now Shepard, who should hear us?” Miranda chuckled. ”I want to hear you say it. Say my name.”

Shepard looked up at her alarmed, but relaxed when he saw the soft slightly tipsy smile on her lips. Acting on an impulse, he reached over and took her hand, kissing her knuckles briefly. ”My name is John, pleased to meet you, Miranda.”

Queen Miranda laughed merrily. “Enchanté John.” She held up her glass for him to toast. ”To the King.”

”To the King,” Shepard echoed and toasted.

Queen Miranda wiped her mouth discreetly with the back of her hand. ”How does your wife deal with you being gone for so long, when you accompany the King on campaigns?”

”She...” Shepard took a sip of his wine. “She takes lovers.”

”And you allow this?”

”I do,” Shepard said with a nod.

”I trust you do the same then?” Queen Miranda asked with a curious smile.

”On occasion,” Shepard said with a slight embarrassed smile. ”Why do you ask me that my Queen?”

”Forgot my name already?” Queen Miranda jested. ”I ask you because...” She put down her cup and looked at Shepard. “Do you find me beautiful?”

”Ex-excuse me?” Shepard stammered.

Queen Miranda's smile widened. “If I were not married, would you find me beautiful? Would you seduce me and take me to bed?”

”I.. ehm.”  Shepard looked away from the Queen. “Please my Queen, don't make me answer that.”

”But I am,” Queen Miranda insisted. ”Did I grow out of my youth? Please Shepard I have to know, and I don't know any other men I could ask.”

”You are a very beautiful woman, my Queen,” Shepard said. “You have nothing to worry about.”  

”Thank you Shepard,” Queen Miranda said.

”Can I ask why you'd ask me that, my Queen?” Shepard asked curiously, sipping his wine.

”You trusted me, I will trust you,” Queen Miranda paused and locked gaze with Shepard. ”The king has lost interest in me, and I don't know what I did wrong.” She blinked fat tears from her eyes, born from months of keeping it inside, and alcohol.

Shepard froze for a second, not sure what to do with a crying Queen. He figured that besides her title she was a woman like any other, so he shifted his seat to come closer to her, gently wiping tears off her cheeks. ”I am sure he is just preoccupied, my Queen,” He said softly. “He loves you dearly, I am sure of it.”

”Then why did he send me from his side?” Queen Miranda cried.

”Because he was sure that life at court made you miserable,” Shepard said softly, sucking in his breath as the Queen leaned against him, crying against his chest. He wrapped a stiff arm around her, constantly aware that she could be a cunning vixen whom tested his loyalty or... Would she be crying her heart out against his shirt? He did not think so.

”What will happen when he discovers that I am barren?” She cried. “He will take another wife, and then what will become of me?”

Shepard wrapped his arms around her, soothing her the best he could. ”I do not know,” Shepard mumbled, because he was all too aware that it mattered little how much love was between them if she could not preform her duties. They sat for a long time as Queen Miranda stopped crying. ”Lady Jaqueline is lucky to have you.”

”I'm not sure she would agree with you, my Queen,” Shepard said softly. Shifting uncomfortably as Miranda pressed closer to him.

”You said I was beautiful,” Queen Miranda said in a near whisper. “Do you desire me?”

”Please, my Queen,” Shepard almost whined. “Any man in their right mind would desire you.”  Queen Miranda grabbed Shepard's wrist and placed his hand on her breast. Shepard was torn between knowing that he should escape this situation and wanting to feel the soft skin he was sure was under all that fabric. ”It is a dangerous game you play my Queen,” He whispered.

”I know,” Queen Miranda whispered back, sighing blissfully as Shepard's hand slid her dress down over her shoulder, exposing her breast to the air and his exploring fingers.

-*-

As they rode home, Shepard knew he had to leave this very night, the Queen might not see this the same way he did, but he had let himself be tempted to go along with her desperate loneliness. She was not only the wife of his oldest friend, but she was also the Queen. She had not rejected him, but had spurred him on, he asked himself how he should have been able to withstand that, a beautiful lady like the Queen, hoisting up her dress and effortlessly guiding his cock inside her. A part of Shepard just wanted to tackle her off the horse and have another go.

”What is on your mind, Shepard?” Queen Miranda asked merrily.

”Oh just wondering what story we should come up with, when we arrive home without a single fish to show for it,” Shepard said.

”Leave that to me,” Queen Miranda said with a little smile.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No art for this chapter.

Shepard returned to court, eager to show Lady Jaqueline that he got the Queens signature on the application. She might be upset with him for staying away for longer than he had said he would, but surely, this would soothe her temper. He wondered what all those people were doing in the courtyard; carts filled with people, servants. ”Hey you,” He asked a soldier who walked past him. “What is all this about?” He nodded over towards the cart. “Where are all those people being sent off to?”

The soldier shrugged. “We were just told to rally some specific people up.”

”Alright,” Shepard said, looking over his shoulder once more at the cart leaving, and the next being filled slowly. Whatever it was he would find out eventually. First his wife, then the temple to pay penance for his trespassing at the Udina summer residence, and then he would figure out what this exodus was all about. He literally took two steps at a time up the stairs to his private chambers. He was pretty far down the hall when he heard Lady Jaqueline's voice arguing angrily. What in the nine hells were going on? Shepard sprinted to his rooms only to find the door open, and found Lady Jaqueline in a corner, her Biotics flaring around her like a crazy electric sea, three soldiers around her, one holding a scroll. ”State your business,” Shepard bellowed, making all four people look over at him.

”Thank Arterius,” The soldier said with the scroll sighed relief. “I have a list -”

”John!” Lady Jaqueline called. “If any of them as much as breathe on me wrong, I will kill them where they stand.” Shepard held out his hand to calm his wife, though secretly he didn't think he would ever get enough of seeing her like that, all bristled up and angry like a wounded boar, deadly like a force of nature.

”Step away from my wife, please,” Shepard said politely, waiting for the soldiers who remained in her close perimeter to step back. ”I'm sorry Knight-Commander Shepard, but we were given this list from the ministry of national affairs, asking all non-essential Biotics to be removed from court. And Lady Jaqueline Shepard is on that list.”

”Let me see that list,” Shepard demanded snatching the list from the soldier’s hands. He looked it over, and sure enough, it was signed by all the politicians in the ministry of national affairs, as well as the king. ”This makes no sense,” he said mostly to himself.

”John... I swear on Sover-,” Lady Jaqueline growled.

”Silence woman!” Shepard yelled back. ”I don't get it,” He said to the soldier with the list. “The King has never cared for politics, and even less for the ABM, how has this list come to be? And how did my wife end up as a non-essential?”

”I honestly don't know, Sir,” The soldier said. “But we have to take her with us and cart her from court.”

”Those mangy bastards, they have just been waiting for the King to -” Shepard growled, as he pulled the application from his saddlebag. ”If my wife was non-essential then explain why the Queen would sign this?”

”You know I can't Sir,” The soldier said.

”You are welcome to ask the King if I am non-essential as well, because if my wife is sent away, I am leaving with her,” Shepard stated angrily.

”Come men, find the next on the list,” The Soldier said, and smiled a relieved smile to Shepard. “For what it's worth Sir, I am glad we're not taking your wife.”

”Pray tell, how many Biotics were considered essentials?” Shepard asked.

”Uh... two including Lady Jaqueline.”

”I see,” Shepard ran a hand through his hair, and shot Lady Jaqueline a worried gaze.

When the soldiers have left, very unlike her Lady Jaqueline wrapped her arms around Shepard and didn't let go. Shepard wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as well. ”That was close,” He mumbled.

”I could have taken them,” Lady Jaqueline whispered.

”I have no doubt,” Shepard said, kissing her temple. He knew his wife, knew that she would never admit to being afraid, but her heart hammering away in her chest gave her away. He would never call her out on it either; he just enjoyed her arms around him.

”Bastard ABM,” Lady Jaqueline mumbled.

”Got you your application, darling,” Shepard whispered, rubbing soothing circles on Lady Jaqueline's back. ”Tell me that brightens your day a little.”

”John...” Lady Jaqueline said, pushing out from Shepard's embrace. “Maybe... Maybe it's not a good idea.” She wrapped her arms around herself, turning her back to Shepard. ”With all the power that the ABM gained recently, maybe it's too dangerous?”

”Come now Jacqueline,” Shepard said softly, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder, turning her towards him. ”All you wanted for a year is a child. Why give that up now?”

”What if that child is like me?” She stared directly at her husband. “Then what will become of it? Of us?”

”You know that I will love the child no matter what the future brings,” He smiled at her, understanding her worry. “I am absolutely sure that the King will come to his senses, and not let the fear of the few hurt the many.” He kissed her forehead.

”You believe the ABM to be a passing fashion?” Lady Jaqueline asked.

”I do.”

Lady Jaqueline sighed and nodded, not sure, she believed it, but she chose to believe it because she wanted to. ”We could hand over the application, and wait. They denied us before, so who know what will happen.”

Shepard nodded. “And just because we get the permit, doesn't mean that we have to do it,” He said softly.

-*-

Kaidan had not even been given time to gather his belongings, he had been ushered out of the Temple by hard hands and harsh voices. People were moving about everywhere in one big chaotic hive, and here he was waiting for what the guards had in mind. He looked around him, there were some servants and other brothers from the Temple, Kaidan could only conclude that all these people were on the soldier’s lists. ”What is the crime we are accused of?” Kaidan whispered to a young girl who sat next to him, sniffling.

She shrugged. “Do you know where they are taking us?”

”No,” Kaidan admitted. He turned to his other side. “Brother, were you told what crime you were accused of?”

The other young priests pulled up his sleeve and revealed the telltale birthmark that all Biotics carried somewhere on them. ”I don't know if that is it, but they were mighty intrigued.”

Kaidan idly rubbed his neck where his own mark was, he turned to the girl. ”Forgive me, but are you per chance Biotic?”

The girl nodded and sniffled, hoisting up her dress a little, showing off the mark on the side of her thigh. She looked scared and confused. “They didn't tell me why I had to follow them; they only told me that I was on their list.” Her eyes widened. “What kind of list do you think it is?”

Kaidan took her hand and squeezed it gently. ”Don't be afraid.” He smiled at her hoping she couldn't tell how troubled he was. He had heard rumors that the ABM had grown in numbers in court, and some even claimed that the nobles feared a riot, feared that the Biotics would start killing people and overthrow the throne. Kaidan had dismissed it as nonsense until now. He squeezed the girls hand again, more for his own sake than hers; maybe he needed comfort as much as she did. Kaidan thought of his mother, how upset she had been when his father had chosen to send him away from home, Kaidan had claimed that he understood that he accepted their decision as the natural course of things. Truth was that Kaidan didn't understand why he had to be sent away to serve a master that he did not understand or believe in. Sister went to the best schools, and was adored by all who knew her. He had hated his father for sending him away, and he had resented his mother for not stopping him, but he had no choice but to accept this new life of his. The first senior priest he had met had been a cruel master, but he had learned to love it. It had been either that or go mad. He had been forbidden any and all contact with his family since he joined the priesthood, but here in this moment where he was waiting for the soldiers to usher him on a rickety looking wagon to Sovereign knew where, he missed his mother desperately. He wanted nothing else than to tell her that he was alive. What if she heard of this bizarre exodus and thought him dead?

The soldiers came and pulled Kaidan aboard a wagon with a bunch of other servants. Kaidan saw one of the servants grab a soldier and ask, what they had done wrong, what crime where they accused of, and where they were taking them. The Soldier had just looked at the man with contempt written across his face and had said the King had decided to repurpose all the Biotics of the city, but he refused to elaborate on what 'repurposed' meant. Kaidan pulled the hood down over his head, and resigned to his fate, just like when he had left his childhood home.

When the queen finally returned to court after four months at Lord Udina's summer residence she was sporting a protruding belly, and a warm smile. The entire kingdom rejoiced with their King and Queen, and Shepard was no exception. Lady Jaqueline had procured a present for the queen, but was feeling tired and sickly so Shepard had promised to bring the Queen the present. True, he could have given it to one of the Queen’s servants. Part of him wanted to do that, but another part felt that no matter what had happened between them at the lake, he had gotten to know Miranda quite well with the time spent in each other’s company, that he felt it would be insincere to not bring the present and congratulate her in person. He was all smiles as he was finally waved through the Queen’s door, Queen Miranda turned to her servants. ”Leave us,” She said, waiting for the servants to leave the room before she turned to Shepard. ”Knight-Commander, it's been a while, how did your application fare?”

”Quite well my Queen.” Shepard said with a courteous nod.

Queen Miranda sat down and gestured for Shepard to do the same. “I trust you got your permit?”

”Yes, my Queen.” Shepard said, and then handed her the gift across the table. “I learned that the King put off the next planned campaign to stay with you.” He poured some watered down wine into his glass.

”One of my servant girls told me that Lady Jacqueline is expecting your child.” The Queen said with an unreadable expression.

”She told you the truth.” Shepard said. ”But I did not come here to talk about her, I came to congratulate you, my Queen.” He pulled the gift from his pocket and placed it on the table between them. It was a beautifully crafted wooden horse, clearly the gift to a privileged child.

”Congratulations are in order then Knight-Commander.” Queen Miranda said, ignoring the present.

Shepard looked at the Queen confused. “My Queen?” He asked.

The Queen sighed and poured herself a cup as well. ”One should be careful what one wishes for.,” She said cryptically. ”I am four months along.” She said with a hardened glare at Shepard. However, when Shepard just looked away confused at her sudden ire, she tossed the cup at him, hitting Shepard square in the chest. ”I am four months pregnant.” She hissed. ”Yet it is far more than five since my husband visited my bed.” She got up from her seat and walked over to Shepard at the other side of the table. “Turns out that I am not the one barren, but my husband.”

Shepard opened his mouth to say something, but then just closed it again. He anticipated the Queen’s hand long before it hit his cheek, but it did not take the sting out.

”Bastard!” She hissed out between her teeth.

All color drained from Shepard's face. “What are you saying?” He whispered.

”Are you that dense?” The Queen growled, picking up the wooden horse and tossing that at Shepard as well, watching him cringe. ”You sired this child, not my husband.”

”Oh.” Shepard just stared at Queen Miranda with big frightened eyes. “You said that -”

”I remember quite well what I said, Knight-Commander.” Miranda sighed crossing her arms over her chest. ”I thought I was the one who was unable to bear a child, the physicians had all told me the fault was with me, not James. They were wrong.”

Shepard licked his lips, trying to take it all in, trying to see the future, and most of all trying to figure out what he should do now. ”Does...does the king suspect?” He finally asked weakly.

”I don't know.” Queen Miranda said. “I think that for now he doesn't question it, but I do not know what will happen once he does.”

Inching out to the edge of the seat Shepard looked up at the Queen who hovered above him. ” He loves you dearly; I know that he was heartbroken by the prospect of getting another wife if you did not produce a royal heir soon. Maybe he will just be so happy that -”

”Maybe.” Queen Miranda said harshly. ”There are many nobles around here who would rather see me gone and you as well. So should someone ever suspect that the child is not the kings, terrible things will happen.”

”I know.” Shepard dropped his head and stared down at his feet.

”You have to relocate with your wife.” Queen Miranda finally said, turning around and walking over to a window overlooking the courtyard, staring out at the servants milling about down on the ground.

”What?”

”Think about it Shepard.” She hissed out his name with malice. “What if the children bear signs of being siblings? It would be a scandal, and instead of a life of wealth and privilege, odds are that all of us will hang, you, me, your wife and the children.”

Shepard got out of his seat and walked over to the Queen, in his anger he pulled her arm and twisted her around to face him. ”You are just seeing ghosts, and you would have me condemn my wife to a commoners life because you are frightened?”

”Unhand me.” Miranda hissed, and Shepard let go of her immediately. ”I am still the Queen, and you will obey my wishes.”

Shepard ground his teeth, and then nodded. ”Yes, my Queen.”

-*-

Returning to his rooms Shepard was preoccupied and angry, aiming straight for his bed. ”Did the Queen accept the gift?” Lady Jaqueline called from the main room.

”Yes,” Shepard yelled back and laid down pulling the covers over his head. What was he going to do? If he just disappeared then the King would suspect something, and to tell Jaqueline that they had to vacate their rooms at court was the same as declaring war. However, he could not ignore the Queen either. He slammed his fist down into the mattress; he would have to solve this somehow. Maybe he could talk some sense into the Queen later? Maybe he could have Jaqueline assigned as Queen Miranda's chambermaid, then they would get to know each other, and with some luck, the Queen would be lenient if she had a personal relation? He could not ignore her fears though, because there was a slim chance that she was right.

-*-

Queen Miranda had walked aimlessly back and forth in her rooms, trying to come up with a plan, she had to get rid of Shepard and his wife, because they were the only ones who could give her treason away. She was not ready to depart with her crown or her life. She put on a frock and went to find her husband.

Finding King James in his war room was no surprise to the Queen, she smiled lovingly at her husband, who came to her side. ”Miranda my love, what are you doing up and about? You should be resting.”

”I just found myself restless, and missing my husband at my side.” She smiled and leaned against James.

”The war room is no place for a lady, and surely not one in your condition, your Majesty.” One of the advisors said.

”Get out.” King James said, waving at his advisors dismissing them. Once they had all left, Miranda kissed him and walked over to the strategic board. ”This is your war?” She asked innocently. She pointed at a red part of the map. “What is that?”

”Oh Miranda you shouldn't worry about these things, war is for men.” James said coming to her side.

”Please?” Miranda said sweetly. “I am bored and I want to learn about what worries you.”

James smiled and kissed her temple, thinking that he could never in a million years have gotten a better wife. ”It's the province of Everdark; we are moving to retake it from the enemy.”

”You lost it?”

James nodded. “The lands are cursed with hunger and plague, every battalion I sent has dwindled till the few soldiers scattered and fled for their lives.”

”So do they carry the plague home?” Miranda asked

”No, we can't let them back across the borders as it is.” James sighed. “That is why this province is so important to retake.”

”Lots of our soldiers stuck there?”

”Either that or they succumbed to the plague, I do not know. I let Udina deploy some of the biotic priests there along with some non-essential farmhands, hoping to rebuild some from the inside. However, there is no way of knowing if they are even still alive. But some intel still makes it here, and I learned recently that two of the most powerful Chieftains are significantly weakened, and the lands are basically ready for the taking.”

”Something is troubling you dear husband; I can hear it in your voice.” Miranda said, staring at the province on the map.

”I should lead this campaign, but my advisors don't think I should leave the court or you, and to be honest I do not want to leave your side either. This Campaign is at worst a suicide mission should I contract the plague which is said is in the very air. Best outcome it's a long haul of some years at least, to defeat the enemy and help rebuild.” James sighed.

”It doesn't have to be you, my love.” Miranda said softly.

”If I do not rally under that flag to retake Everdark, no soldiers will go. Enough has been lost there, and – Oh Miranda it's a man’s worry.” James sighed even deeper.

”But you should be here to rejoice in your firstborn,” Miranda said leaning her head on James' shoulder. ”Why not send someone in your stead? Who else would the soldiers rally to?”

”Shepard?” James asked. “Are you suggesting that I send him to years of voluntary exile?”

”Better him than you.” Miranda said with a smile.

”I can't do that,” James said. “His wife is expecting and -”

”James.” Miranda said sternly. “He is not your friend, you are not children. Shepard is your servant, your pawn to use as you see fit. I say send him with an army to retake Everdark and report back, with some luck it's all just superstition and they can return before his wife has her child.” Miranda said wrapping her arms around James' neck, kissing him. ”I need you here.”

”You, my Queen, are as ruthless as you are beautiful.” James mumbled between kisses.

”And you love me for it.” Miranda grinned.

”I do.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, sorry about the long wait, and thank you for your patience - it just happened that both me and Maxxie ran into a bunch of adult... My shedule eased up, hers didn't. So we talked about it and decided to upload the story with much, much shorter intervals than what you've seen till now. Maxxie will make the character card illustrations as she finds the time, and they will be added later. You can follow her [ Tumblr](http://maxxiedemon.tumblr.com/) to make sure you don't miss it. (I think you should follow her anyway cause she rocks).
> 
> And so without further delays..

Shepard had not been alarmed when his king had called for him; to be honest he had started to wish for a battlefield, his home had become an impossible place to be. He tried to accommodate Lady Jaqueline, but it seemed the more the baby grew, the deeper the gap between them grew as well. For the last month, he had been surrounded by her ladies, both when he got up and when he went to bed. He did not mind them per se, and he understood her need to speak about womanly things with other women. However, he wished that she would just accept any of his advances, and maybe just once in a while send the ladies from her side so they could spend some time together.

”My King, you called for me,” Shepard said with a deep bow as he entered the King's war room.

”Shepard,” James smiled warmly. ”Come”

Shepard came and stood at the war map. “You are winning the war, My King,” He said with a smile. ”But you hardly called me here to hear my opinion on your war strategies.”

”No I didn't,” King James said, his smile faltering. “I have strategists for that,” The King took a deep breath. ”I have a mission for you, a mission that I would not trust to anyone else.”

”Yes My King,” Shepard nodded.

”I want you to lead your men to Everdark, hunt down the Chieftains and hang them and their families as a statement,” King James pointed at the province on the map. “This mission you must carry out alone, I trust you with complete command, and expect you to lead your men to victory.”

Shepard looked up at King James with the question written across his face.

”Yes, I understand your worry Shepard. I have heard all the rumors as well. And I would have gone with you was it not for the Queen's state, what kind of king would I be if I were off battling barbarians in some far out region while my heir is born?” King James said.

Nodding again Shepard looked down at the map. ”And if the men revolt? I don't think any of them are eager to lose their lives, and I have learned not to underestimate superstition, My King.”

”Then you walk on with the rest,” King James said. “I expect you to prevail Shepard, with or without your men.”

”Yes My King,” Shepard said. He took a deep breath and said, ”What will become of my wife?”

King James put a hand on Shepard's shoulder. ”She will be taken care of, don't you worry.”

It was almost friendly, and Shepard felt a pang of grief for the James he had known when they were younger, missing him something terrible. The laughs, the drunken nights, the hunts and the frolic. ”How long do your scholars think I will be gone then My King? Will I get back to see my newborn as well?” He almost added 'or is that a luxury that only you see fit for yourself' but did not.

”Six months to a year,” King James said. “Depends.”

Shepard dropped his gaze and looked at his hands on the map. ”Will she be sent from court?” He knew it was a dumb question because he knew what James was not saying is that no one expected anyone to return from this mission. If the enemy did not get them, the plague would.

”Eventually,” James said softly. ”But I promise you she will be looked after.”

”Thank you My King, you are much too generous,” Shepard attempted a smile. “When do I depart?”

”Two days from now, I will get the generals to assemble the men you will take.” James turned Shepard around to face him. ”It's of utmost importance that we take and hold Everdark, it's a bridge to the enemy, and a bridge works both ways. I would trust this campaign to no one but you.”

”My King, you flatter me with your faith in my abilities,” Shepard said.

”Nonsense! I have seen you fight. Only you can do this.” King James smiled again. ”Come back alive and be reunited with your family, and the title of Knight-Captain.”

”I will do my very best,” Shepard said. ”My King.”

James nodded and turned away, indicating that their talk was over, but suddenly turned back around. “John? I mean it. Come back alive.”

”Of course I will,” Shepard said smiling a little sadly. ”You know me.”

”Yes, yes I do.” King James mumbled as he walked out the door, leaving Shepard on his own in the war room. Shepard ground his teeth in anger. How dared he? He gave him some song and dance about the importance of Everdark, but they both knew that even the enemy would not travel through there. Shepard would not be surprised if Jaqueline was evicted from court the moment he crossed the border to Everdark. He had not seen this coming, but still he had always trusted James to do what needed to be done. He had always been a man who did not shy away from the difficult decisions, and as a soldier, he knew that sometimes the hardest ones were the ones that you did not make on your feet in the heat of battle. Still how was he supposed to tell Jaqueline that not only would he be gone for the birth of her child, but that she better pack a bag and go back to where she came from? Jaqueline unlike he, still had living relatives so Shepard was sure that whatever she did, she would start over. Jaqueline was not a woman to be cooped up somewhere simple, waiting for her husband to return. It had been what had fascinated him when they met, that she was a woman of action and spirit. He knew that her caretakers thought she would never find a man because she would test them all and find them too light or too weak. Shepard had to admit that he had put a lot of effort into getting her where he wanted her. The woman he had met back then was a far cry from the angry, bitter wife who was pacing his rooms like a caged tiger, but whose fault was that? Wasn't it really his? He had promised her the sun and the stars, but what he had given her was isolation and uncertainty. It was only natural that she had taken charge of her own life, so instead of living like a couple, they lived parallel lives where they tolerated each other more than anything, the only thing holding them together is a memory of why they loved one another earlier.

Shepard walked out of court and straight to the nearest tavern where many of the soldiers visited when they were not on duty. He ordered a drink still thinking about Jaqueline, he wondered when he had started to refer to the child as 'the' child or 'her' child, he had stopped saying 'our' and he didn't even remember when. He downed the drink and held out his glass for one more. Turning a bit in his chair he watched the soldiers get drunk and sing, and the whores whose livelihood depended on drunk and horny soldiers, swarm around laughing at their crude jokes. He sipped his drink wondering if he should get himself a whore to take his mind off things.

”Knight-Commander,” A voice said next to Shepard.

Shepard turned his head and smiled when he saw the scarred face of Zaeed, his most trusted veteran soldier. He should by far outrank Shepard were it not for the fact that Zaeed didn't want responsibility and always came up with things that demoted him, while he was too valuable to kick out, so he was still paid by the kings army.

”You look troubled knight-commander,” Zaeed said, and then shrugged with a grin. “And you never visit us down here unless you have trouble with that wife of yours.”

Shepard chuckles mirthlessly. “True.”

”So is it the misses?”

”She is with child,” Shepard sighed. “Hardly the most reasonable of creatures.”

”Oh,” Zaeed nodded in understanding. “This is the reason I never got married, Sir. Unreasonable womenfolk, my life is too short for that kind of agony.”

”Reason has never been one of her virtues,” Shepard sighed, turning around getting her glass filled once more. ”Do you find that amusing Zaeed?” Shepard said raising a brow.

”No Sir, I do not. I pity you,” Zaeed said with a little smile as he took a swing of his mug of ale.

It was early morning when Shepard came stumbling in through the doors to his rooms, clumsily steering for his bed, falling over already asleep before his body made contact with the mattress.

-*-

Shepard woke and could hear Jaqueline speaking in hushed and angry tones with some other woman who just answered her in one-syllable sentences. How he wished she would have her damned tea parties with the ladies elsewhere, just for once he would like to get out of bed without a group of women staring at him as if he was vermin. Shepard pushed off the bed and sat up; he rubbed his temples and yawned. He kicked the chamber pot out from under the corner of the bed and undid his pants.

One of the ladies happened to walk past on her way to the door to the corridors, and gasped offended. Shepard could not even be bothered and just shook the last drops off and kicked the pot back under the bed while he tied his pants back up.

He got up from the bed and shrugged his jacket off, he was wondering if he should leave, sneak out the door before Jaqueline noticed, and prolong the time before he had to tell her his terrible news. ”You're awake?” Jaqueline asked behind him.

”I am.” Shepard ran a hand through his unruly hair. ”Would you please get rid of the ladies?” He asked. “We need to have words in private.”

Jaqueline just stared at him, and then turned around in the door, returning to the ladies in the main room.

”I will not have you ignore my word, Jaqueline,” Shepard growled, getting up from the bed stalking after her to the main room. ”Out! Out all of you!” Shepard yelled, ignoring his wife's expression of shock and rage. The ladies muttered about the injustice of it, and how knight-commander Shepard was a cruel and unreasonable man as they left. ”Finally!” Shepard sighed, sitting down in one the chairs that vacated one of the ladies just moments ago. ”Some damn peace.”

”Was that necessary, dear husband?” Jaqueline asked icily.

”Apparently so,” Shepard mumbled. “You would never have asked them to leave by yourself.” He shrugged and then turned in his seat. ”We really do need to exchange words in private.”

Jaqueline's anger gave way a little when she looked at her husband; he looked genuinely troubled and worn. ”What weighs your heart then?” She asked as she sat down next to him.

”First I want you to know that I have no choice,” He said softly. “The King has asked me to lead a campaign in Everdark.”

”But that is great! Maybe you will get a promotion. And we could get larger accomoda -”

”Shush, listen to me first,” Shepard held up his hand to shut her up. ”I leave tomorrow, and I will not be back anytime soon, that means that I will miss out on your child.”

”You can't leave now!” Jaqueline argued. “Surely you can go back to the king and make him listen...”

”I am sorry,” Shepard said. “He ordered me to lead that campaign, well knowing what it means. And I will do his bidding because it's my duty, and because he is my king.”

”Your duty?” Jaqueline argued. “It's your damn duty to be around for your son or daughter. For your family.”

”Jaqueline, darling,” Shepard reached out for her hand, but she withdrew it. ”I know how much it means to you to have a proper family.” When she did not answer, Shepard continued. “I was not sure if I should even tell you this, but I need you to understand that I will do everything in my power to come back and...”

“Have you even thought about what will happen to me? To your child?” Jaqueline argued hotly. “Or did you just take your orders like a good little lapdog?”

“Yes, yes I have,” Shepard admitted he wanted to be angry with Jaqueline because she was yelling in his face, and he knew that gossip had it that he had no control over that feisty wife of his. Maybe he did not, but this was not about control, this was about fear. A very real fear. “I wish I could tell you something else, I really do,” Shepard finally said. “But I simply don’t know what will happen once I am gone from court, and I know that the ABM has been gaining ground in court and with the king,” He sighed. “I can only trust that the King was truthful when he said that he would make sure you were accommodated in a proper manner.”

“Can you not hear his intent behind his words John?” Jaqueline yelled. “He means to evict me!” She rubbed her pregnant belly, and looked back at Shepard. “Where is he going to send me then? Do you know?”

“Back to your homelands I suspect,” Shepard shrugged sadly.

“Back to my homeland? Have you and the king both lost your minds?” Jaqueline raged, on the verge of tears. “There is nothing for me there, you know that! Nothing but –“

“I know!” Shepard yelled all of a sudden. “I know!” He stood up from his chair so fast it fell over. “But what you do not understand is if I refuse his direct order, your life here at court is over! If I leave then at least the King promised to make sure you are comfortable. Tell me Jaqueline, which do you prefer?”

“I prefer the one where you stay here with me and your child.” Jaqueline stomped on the floor.

“And doom my own child to poverty?” Shepard yelled. “I will not have my child go hungry...” He took a deep breath. “I would rather kill it in the womb than to subject it to that.”

Jaqueline frowned at his choice of words. “I would kill you first.”

“Damned be Jaqueline, that was not what I meant.” Shepard tossed a goblet from the table over towards a small window in the wall. “I told you about when I was a child. What I don’t want is for my own child to go through the same thing.”

“But you weren’t born in court, now were you? Your mother was a whore and –“

“It does not matter who my mother was, or where I was born,” Shepard growled, turning his back to Jaqueline as he stalked over to the cabinet to fill himself a goblet of wine. “When you are living in the gutter, you could have been born a prince, it just doesn’t matter. And I fought long and hard to be where I am, and where you are.” He twisted around and pointed at Jaqueline. “And I will be damned if I throw all that away cause you are suddenly too frail to travel back to your family homestead.”

Jaqueline fisted her hands, but did not argue back, she knew that no matter how crude his point was, he was possibly right. At least this way she got to keep some of the luxury that she had grown accustomed to, and loved. “Alright,” Jaqueline finally sighed resigned. “I will obey your wish, but let it be known that I do not think that it’s even a remotely sane solution.” She sat down heavily on a chair with a sigh. “Who has it out for us? Who could have conjured up such a plan?”

“What do you mean?” Shepard said, inwardly congratulating himself on persuading Jaqueline to go without a scene, should it become reality.

“I don’t know...” Jaqueline mumbled. “It just reeks.” She turned to look at Shepard. “Tell me if the man you know to be the king, would ever willingly send you away like this, and send you away to Everdark and an unknown fate. To a place where there are a month long quarantine should you return, which has yet to be set into motion because nobody ever returned.” She leaned in over the table looking straight at her husband. “And knowing that with your fate uncertain, I would become obsolete to court, and would be rehoused elsewhere…. And...”

“Stop!” Shepard snorted with contempt. “You’re seeing ghosts.” He leaned back against the wall and stared down his nose at his wife. “The King asked me to go, because he needed someone there in his stead. He cannot claim to be a peaceful ruler if all he does is make war, and is not even here for the festivities of his firstborn. A royal birth is a major diplomatic event, which he cannot afford to miss.”

“You are wrong, dear husband,” Jaqueline said softly. “This is the doing of someone, someone who wants to see us destroyed.”

“Quit your yammering,” Shepard said with a half-laugh. “I am sure your family will be absolutely delighted to see you, and it’s not like you’re coming home in disgrace.”  
“Oh? With a baby on the way, or one on the arm, and no husband? I would not exactly call that a glorious arrival,” Jaqueline sneered.

“I didn’t say that, I just said it wasn’t disgraceful,” Shepard shrugged and put down his goblet, walking over to Jaqueline and put his arms around her from behind. “I will be home again, I promise. Maybe we would rather get a little house out in the countryside, than return to court. Maybe the nature will grow on you,” He whispered with a smile.

-*-

As Shepard rode out the next morning, he looked around him, seeing nothing but gaunt grey faces – the face of a man condemned. Maybe he had promised Jaqueline the impossible. Maybe he would not return from this campaign, and maybe he did ride to his own destruction? He tried to soothe himself with the thought that it was a standard clause in the wedding papers should your spouse disappear for a whole year, presumed dead in battle or captured, you were legally allowed to take another man. Should he have lied, so Jaqueline would not be left with nothing? She could find herself a new husband, maybe even someone who would cherish her and stay by her side. Shepard smiled sadly. Jaqueline was a beautiful woman, she would not have a hard time finding a man, even with a child on her hip, given that she learned how to harness that temper of hers, Shepard hard heard that motherhood mellowed even the feistiest womenfolk, so he took that to heart. She would maybe in fact be better off this way.

“Knight-Commander,” Zaeed said softly as he spurred his horse to ride next to Shepard. “Why the grim expression?”

“Just deep in thought,” Shepard said with a professional smile.

“The odds aren’t in our favor, I know,” Zaeed said softly. “We all know.”

Shepard nodded. “When is it ever?”

Zaeed laughed softly. “When indeed, Sir,” He smiled. “You give these men hope, with you at the helm, I am sure we will make it out by the skin of our noses.”

“I’m flattered that you have such faith in me,” Shepard said, his smile widened a little, and this time genuine. He wanted Zaeed to be right, by the stars how he wanted Zaeed to be right.


	4. Chapter 4

Three months into the Everdark campaign, Shepard had still to find two of the Chieftains, he forced himself not to think of Jaqueline who had surely delivered the child by now. And the royal baby must have been born too, he shouldn’t think of Queen Miranda’s child as his, but he found it harder than he had thought, just because he knew it was his genes. However, he couldn’t help but to be slightly distracted by these thoughts. If only he could receive word if the babe was well, and what had become of Jaqueline. It didn’t help when they had hunted down the second Chieftain and his family. Shepard had left the house, knowing that his orders were to kill the rebels, and their families. He had given some half-arsed order, but inside he was confused. He had never given second thought to the enemy before, but then again he had always kept his private life and what he did in the name of victory on the battlefield strictly apart. Now he found that hard, if not impossible to do. He had never had trouble separating a man from life he simply didn’t care. But something had happened to him this last year, he had begun to question things. Not so much killing a man, that still didn’t trouble him, but more asking himself how he went about it, and why. He had to justify it to himself somehow, like that Chieftain – he had been a rebel leader, so no problem there! His wife had known, and she was a co-conspirator so he had no problem ending her either. The children however, all five of them, had they asked for it? Had they wanted to be born into that house, had they wanted to be rebels? He did not know, and he was not so sure they deserved death for that.

Later someone had reported to him that the deed was done, and the bodies were all hung outside as an example to fellow rebels. Shepard had nodded and just secretly relieved that he did not have to watch or worse yet do it. It wasn’t exactly like him, but all he could think of was, what if that was his child? Moreover, what if he had been that man? Would he not have charged an entire army? The answer troubled him.

Maybe it was just the dust of this dead land getting to him. It was hard to breathe, the smell was terrible, even for Shepard’s standards, and the damn dust was getting in everywhere. Maybe Everdark really was cursed and it was getting under his skin? What he knew to be a fact was that they had not found all the rebel leaders, only half of them. Instead of finding the two last, they had found a massive rebel army, an army that had had time to grow and fester until it counted thrice the men that Shepard’s army did. His men were soldiers by heart; most of the rebel army was farmers and poets. So it was not the army that was the worst problem, it was the air.

Shepard stood outside his tent in the morning sun, looking out over their camp. He knew that the fifteenth man had died this night, died from something none of them knew what was, and while some thought it was the curse, others believed it to be the plague that was picking them off one by one. Shepard did not know which was true, but he knew that he had to use all the gifts of persuasion he had ever had, to address the men, and attempting to make them stay. They were afraid, and so was Shepard. This was a foe they could not fight; it had nothing to do with swordsmanship or skills. It was invisible, silent and picked soldiers off at random.

“Knight-Commander.” Zaeed calls, climbing the small hill to where Shepard’s tent was located; he has a grim, tired expression on his face. “The fifteenth’ –“

Shepard holds up his hand to silence Zaeed, and turned to enter his tent with an ‘I know’.

“But with all due respect, Shepard. We cannot stay here.” Zaeed argues as he too enters the tent.

“Or else what? _What_ Zaeed?” Shepard growls, sitting down with a deep sigh. “They’ll run? Look around you man, there is nowhere to run to! All there is here is death!” He looked up at Zaeed.

Zaeed looked away, he had not meant to blame Shepard for this whole thing, and he was not alone in noting that the Knight-Commander looked worn and thin – worried. Surely, he too felt the dread like the men. “I know Shepard.” Zaeed said softly. “But what I am saying is that some might want to try their luck, instead of just waiting here for the inevitable.” He looked down at his boots. “Can’t say I blame them.”

“Okay.” Shepard said standing up, walking over to a makeshift strategic table. “Come see Zaeed.” He pointed at the map. “We are here.” He pointed at a cross. “The rebel army is still double the size of ours, and is here, here and here.” He pointed at three points in a half-moon shape. “Efficiently cutting us off from the valley. We can’t go left, because there are the mountains. And we can’t go back.” He leaned forward on the table looking at Zaeed. “What will you have me do?”

“Could we take this camp?” Zaeed asked, pointing at the rebel camp closest to the mountains. “Maybe we could slip behind the second camp and have the element of surprise?”

“Yes.” Shepard said. “Or maybe they are better organized than that, and we’ll have their entire damn army coming down on us.” He rubbed his face with one hand, as to rub the weariness out. “We cannot win that battle.” He said in a near whisper.

“Ask the men then. Address them, Shepard.” Zaeed said, placing a hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “Ask them if they’d rather die in battle, or waste away here while we wait.”

Shepard nodded weakly. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should not –“ He stopped mid-sentence and all the color left his face, in a last effort to not fall over he grabbed Zaeed’s arm.

Zaeed caught him with ease, staring deeply disturbed down at Shepard’s unfocused eyes. Not relaxing until Shepard frowned and scrambled to his feet, running a hand through his sweaty hair. “I’m fine.” He mumbled. “Thank you.”

“You don’t look –“

“I said-  I am quite well.” Shepard brushed his shoulder for imaginary dust.

“If you say so, but we really need to address this”. Zaeed said as he pointed at the strategic table.

“Zaeed, this is war – soldiers die. I don’t see why fifteen out of one hundred is that alarming.” Shepard said reaching for his glass, feeling parched.

“Of course.” Zaeed said with a slight shake of his head. “But they are supposed to die on the battlefield. _Not_ in a pool of shit and bile in a humid tent.”

“Are you done?” Shepard asked harshly.

“Yes, Sir.” Zaeed mumbled with badly hidden anger.

-*-

Another week passed, and still Shepard did nothing, the sixteenth, seventeenth and eighteenth man died, and he did nothing. Zaeed had heard the men talk about how Shepard looked; he looked sick and grey, slick with fever, so they looked to Zaeed to do something. It had taken Zaeed a day to work up the courage to enter Shepard’s tent.

-*-

Shepard had told them all he was fine, but he was not, and he _knew_ it. He could feel the fever increase, his vision was blurry, his appetite gone and he felt weak and tired. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he did not allow himself the luxury, he had been trying to figure out how to do this best, wait and waste away, which was probably what the rebels expected him to do. Or should he try to return, hoping that King James would let them? Shepard knew that he could not return like this, no matter if he had known James when they were children. Or he could do as Zaeed had suggested, Shepard knew it was a lousy plan, but Zaeed was right, they had to do something. Really, Zaeed’s plan was as sane as anything Shepard could come up with if he had been able to think straight. He did not want the men to know that he could not collect two thoughts, so Shepard decided that now was the time to act, so finally he had given the order to rally and attack the far western rebel camp, attempting to silence that camp, and move behind the second, middle one. That would grant them access to the valley of Everdark, unless the last camp decided to attack, but Shepard did not count on it.

It had been a battle on its own to get into his armor, but Shepard was determined to see this through, after all if it was true what Zaeed had told him on the way here, he was an inspiration to the men.

He noticed that the men looked worse, they were grey and desperate, and not at all the men that had left court just a couple of months earlier. Shepard managed to get unto his horse, thankful that no one mentioned that he wobbled slightly on his way there, and it had taken him longer than usual to get unto the horse.

They moved silently through forest and marsh, hoping to flank the eastern encampment. Shepard blinked rapidly, trying to will his vision to clear but could not. Everything was a blurry haze. It became harder to breathe, in the end he had to take off his helmet, holding on to the reins with one hand, clawing at his armor by his throat with the other. Shepard gasped to fill his lungs with air, but it was like breathing under water. He gasped and coughed, he heard Zaeed call out, but he could not make out the words. Shepard could taste the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. Gasping again to breathe, and as he slipped off the horse, unable to dodge the spooked horses hoofs, one thought came to him ‘this is it, I am dead’. However, he was not dead, he felt arms hauling him to his feet, and felt a sting across his cheek as Zaeed slapped him. “Shepard!” he growled. “Get up!”

Shepard nodded and took a step, stumbling through the marshlands, splashing water; he did not even notice his left arm being stuck in an odd angle. The world spun around and he suddenly felt the ground rush up to meet his face again. Someone turned him around on his back, he could not tell who it was, but he clutched at the persons arm in a silent plea for help.

“Zaeed, Sir.” The soldier called whose arm Shepard had grabbed. “I think he is dying.”

Zaeed kneeled down and looked at the Knight-Commander, Shepard’s eyes rolled back in his head and his breathing was shallow and irregular. Zaeed looked at the soldier at Shepard’s side, the soldier’s eyes wide and frightened. “Can you hear me Shepard?”

“Sir! Sir!” Someone called from further away. “They have spotted us! What are the orders?”

Zaeed sighed and pushed to his feet, he turned to the soldier at Shepard’s side. “We’ll come back for him after the battle, and if he’s alive we will see what we can do.” He then placed a hand on the soldier next to him. “Tell them to attack, now!”

“Sir, yes sir!” The soldier sprinted off to give the order

“Forgive me,” The soldier at Shepard’s side mumbled, and twisted out of Shepard’s amazingly hard grasp.

-*-

First battle won, and Zaeed came back with four soldiers, each dragging two horses behind them loaded with the wounded who could not walk on their own. Zaeed kneeled down next to Shepard; wet his fingers in the marsh water, holding them up to Shepard’s nose. He felt a weak blow of air to his fingertips. “He’s alive.” He smiled to himself. “Load him unto that horse, and take him to that temple we passed.” Zaeed watched as the soldiers lifted up Shepard from the wet ground. “Either they can heal him, or he can die in peace. Either way is better than this.” He gestured at the marsh.

Zaeed leaned in to Shepard’s ear and whispered. “If you can hear me, then don’t worry about your child or wife, I will take care of them, I promise.”

-*-

Kaidan opened the door to his cell, now occupied by their unwilling guest. He did not know if he should feel as if this was a cosmic jest, or if this just a coincidence. Kaidan kneeled by Knight-Commander Shepard’s side, touching Shepard’s face gently, he sighed. It had been five days, and the Knight-commander had still not woken, he lay still on the bed of hay that he had been given. Hay was better to use as a cover for those they expected to die from the fever, it was easy to burn with its inhabitant. 

Ignoring his dark thoughts for a moment, Kaidan sat to re-dress Shepard’s broken arm, making sure the compress was tight enough to ensure the bone would mend as straight as possible, with a little luck, Shepard might be able to use his sword arm again in the near future. Kaidan looked up at Shepard’s sickly face, had it been anyone other than Shepard, Kaidan would have written him off days ago, honestly then Shepard looked more dead than alive. He risked running his fingertips gently over Shepard’s protruding cheekbone and down over his chapped lips, this was a far cry from the man he had seen riding alongside the king, that man had been so full of life, it would make anyone envious. Kaidan was honestly a little awe stricken. Shepard was a skilled man; he won every battle, both literally and metaphorically. How he envied that carefree, flirtatious smile that Shepard had given him that night they had spoken in the courtyard. Logically Kaidan knew that it was not all smiles to be knight-commander, that a lot of responsibility and difficult decisions would have to follow a title like that, but there was also the greatness, and in his armor ready for war, Shepard looked like a god. Even his men had thought so, and would have followed him to death and beyond. Nevertheless, it had been a pitiful band that had brought the Knight-Commander in gaunt and near death, their voices had been thick with despair and a silent plea to work magic. They had taken the Knight-Commander in, even if they all knew he would most likely die within the first week. Truth be told then there was nothing Kaidan wanted more than to call upon the deep dark, and pull down a star for Shepard.

That armor was long gone now, and here before him was only a shell of a man, naked in a bed of hay. Kaidan smiled to himself as he took Shepard’s hand, rubbing the knuckles gently. For a brief moment, he wondered how many people these hands had either caressed or killed. Kaidan laughed to himself, it probably was not healthy for him to tend to the knight-commander day and night, entertaining his silly fantasies. The right thing to do would be to ask one of the other brothers to do this, before the senior priest accused him of being attached to his patient. “In another life,” Kaidan muttered, “I would have gone to war with you, maybe even asked you to dance, or had wine with you, laughed with you.” He smiled bitterly as he let go of Shepard’s limp hand. “But not in this.”

Standing to his feet, he snuffed the candle in the cell before exiting, returning to his daily tasks around the chaos that was the monastery and surrounding refugee settlement.

_*_

It would be a month before Shepard started to react to outside stimuli, he would whimper, or sigh when spoken to, it gave Kaidan heart, knowing that maybe, just maybe Shepard would wake.

It was an evening like any other evening when Kaidan came into the cell to check on his charge. He put down the candle on the floor at Shepard’s side and turned to get the cloth he had washed, to redress the broken arm. When he turned and smiled down at Shepard, his smile died, giving away to confusion as Shepard’s eyes was open, staring straight at him. “By Sovereign!” Kaidan exclaimed, falling to his knees, “Knight-Commander!” He reached for Shepard’s cheek, found it warm, not cold. Kaidan leaned in closer, “Shepard?”

Shepard blinked.

“You’re awake!” Kaidan laughs happily, not entirely sure what to do, other than just leer down at the man. A soft sound not more than a breath leaves Shepard’s lips, and Kaidan leans down closer to hear. “Let me bring you some water.” Kaidan says, reluctantly standing up, still not sure if it’s all something he imagined, and maybe Shepard’s unseeing eyes are really dead, and he is just so tired that his mind plays tricks on him. However, as he turns around with the water pitcher, he can hear Shepard whimper as he attempts to move. “Lay still, you are still mending.” He sits down again, and helps Shepard to drink a little from the pitcher, spilling more than what passes Shepard’s lips.

“I,” Shepard croaks, “I know you.”

“Yes, yes you do.” Kaidan nods eagerly, “Do you remember who you are?”

“John.” Shepard whispers. “John Shepard.”

“Yes!” Kaidan resists the urge to clap in eagerness, “You are knight-commander Shepard.” He smiles widely, “I am brother Alenko, and I was once a part of the monastery at court.”

Shepard looked confused, but let it slip. “Did we win?”

“I don’t know Ser.” Kaidan said, “You were brought here broken and on deaths door.”  He paused and wet his lips, “You caught the fever.”

“Oh.” Shepard sighed.

“But you’re awake, and that is a good sign,” Kaidan says, turning around to snatch his own blanket from his tiny bed, and place it over Shepard, figuring that he should at least be entitled to some decency now that he was aware. “Not many wakes once they have fallen sick.”

Shepard closes his eyes for a moment, “Will you be my holy conduit?”

“I –“ Kaidan wants to protest, because usually that was something you did for people who were about to die, and Kaidan didn’t think Shepard was going to die, surely not now when he woke. In the end, he nodded, knowing that he wished that Shepard did not die, that was all. He had seen people wake, only to die days later after regaining consciousness. “Yes. Do you wish to unburden your heart?”

“Yes.” Shepard just whispered. Squeezing Kaidan’s hand as much as he could, which was not much more than light pressure.

“Then speak, and I will deliver your message to the deep dark.”

“I..” Shepard started, but then stopped, not really sure where to start, or what really belonged in his epitaph to eternity, he had done tons of things he regretted, but if he were to mention the most important? “I never truly loved my wife.” He whispered, “I never loved anyone.”

Kaidan nodded with his eyes closed, just listening.

“I lied to her, deceived her.” Shepard licked his dry lips, “I postponed the permit for the child she wished, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to be burdened with her child. By Sovereign, it was all she wanted, some nice things and a child.” He sucked in his breath, “And I was unwilling to provide.” For a while, Shepard said nothing, but then sighed, “Maybe I was afraid? Afraid that the child would have the same condition as she did, and would have to hide? Or maybe I was afraid because I knew that – “ Shepard sighed, “I think I was just afraid.” Shepard closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I am no hero.”

Kaidan just sat waiting in the half-light, it seemed like Shepard wanted to say more, but when he did not. Kaidan finally spoke, “I will deliver your words to the Deep Dark.”

“Thank you.” Shepard smiled vaguely.

Kaidan got up and slowly walked out the room, he was puzzled by Shepard’s words, surely, a man like him would have more regrets at the edge of life, he had never in a million years expected it to be about not doing right by his wife. But who was he to judge? If that was what weighed on the man’s soul, it would be what he would deliver to the Deep.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day when Kaidan entered the room, Shepard was awake and looked better than he had the day before, not much but still it seemed like his eyes were a little more alive. “Good morning Knight-Commander.” Kaidan said.

“Good morning.” Shepard said, following Kaidan with his eyes as he walked across the small room. “I am sorry, but I forgot your name.” He said softly.

“I’m Brother Alenko.” Kaidan said over his shoulder, preparing the clean wraps for Shepard’s arm.

“Ah yes.” Shepard mumbled. “You served at the court temple you said?”

“Yes.” Kaidan said, turning around and sitting down next to Shepard, starting to slowly pull off the old bandages to adjust the wooden shins under them.

Shepard winched as his arm lost the comfort of constant pressure to keep his shattered bone in check. “Can I ask why you aren’t at court anymore?” He noted that Kaidan furrowed his brows annoyed, “I mean,” Shepard quickly added, “It’s a position most would kill for.”

“Truth?” Kaidan said.

“Yes.”

“The ABM purged the court for biotics, and in that process I and other brothers were sent away too.”  Kaidan said with a slight shrug.

“But...” Shepard looked at Kaidan puzzled, “I thought the biotics were just all reassigned to elsewhere.”

“Oh they were.” Kaidan said unable to hold the bitterness out of his tone. “They were dropped off in droves at the border.”

“What?”

“With all due respect Knight-Commander.” Kaidan just sighed, “If you believed the biotics merely removed from court and reassigned elsewhere in the province, you were lied to. They were stacked up on rickety wagons and shipped to the border of Everdark and told to walk.”

“By Sovereign!” Shepard looked away from Kaidan for a moment, deep in thought.

“A biotic is not immune to the sickness...” Kaidan mumbled.

“But...” Shepard muttered, rerunning the scenario in his head, “I saw those wagons when I arrived back from the Queens Summer residence. They were full of servants, soldiers and officials - and their families.” He turned and looked at Kaidan, “King James would never send tiny children to their deaths, no matter if they were born with the condition.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!” Shepard snapped, and then sighed and meekly almost whispered, “No.”

“A lot of the Brothers from the temple chose to follow the biotics in their exile, to support them with spiritual guidance. I came here with five other Brothers and a Senior Priest. There are three of us left.”

Shepard hung his head, nodding slowly. “I should have protested more, maybe that would have saved some of the people on those carts.”

“I don’t think so.” Kaidan said, pulling the bandage to support Shepard’s arm once more. “Do you think that you could sway the King in such matters?”

“Once maybe.” Shepard whispered.

“Knight-Commander…” Kaidan said, placing a warm hand on Shepard’s chilly one.

“Shepard.” He smiled a little apologetic, “Call me Shepard, we aren’t in the army.”

“Shepard.” Kaidan repeated, it felt odd in his mouth to say, and he half way expected Shepard to be upset that he called him something so personal. “Don’t blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done, you saved your wife from this fate, and that is something. You would just have caused harm to her or yourself if you had tried to openly stand up against Udina and the ABM.”

Shepard nodded, “You know, Brother Alenko.” He said, “I have been thinking, nothing much else to do while I lay here and wait for either recovery or death. That maybe that was exactly why I was sent on this campaign, I am not entirely sure they would have let me through the border even had I been victorious.”

“You do not know that.” Kaidan said.

“No I don’t.” Shepard nodded as he turned his shoulder, it made a loud crack sound in its socket, and he kept rolling it. “Feels okay, maybe my days of the sword aren’t completely over yet.”

Kaidan smiled, “Let’s hope you are up and fit shortly.”

“Yes.” Shepard said. “I wanted to believe it Brother Alenko, I wanted to believe the story given, that all the biotics were just relocated and reassigned in other positions throughout the province. But I think that deep down inside I must have known something was wrong. I stopped them from taking my wife, convincing the guards that she was essential for court. I didn’t even think about what would happen to everyone else who didn’t have someone to stop the guards.”

“The ABM is so much more dangerous than anyone thinks… With the ABM’s numbers rising, I would think King James was afraid of a rebellion, and therefor just thought that if those with the condition was elsewhere, like in disease stricken provinces, then the ABM would have nothing to fear and ergo nothing to campaign against.” Kaidan said softly.

“I think you could very well be right.” Shepard nodded.

“Your wife is a biotic?” Kaidan asked, not really wanting to talk about Shepard’s wife, but feeling horribly selfish, and stupid for avoiding that subject.

“Yes.” Shepard said with a little smile that grew to a grin. “When I met her, she was living at her adoptive parent’s inn, the local men and women would fawn at her feet, and she would deny them all. Jaqueline was never lady-like, and I guess what is what I loved about her, she was about as rowdy as one of the men, and could fight like nothing else I had ever seen. Most people with the condition I had ever met until then, would hide it, be ashamed of it. But not her, she would flaunt it and everyone was equally in love and afraid of her.” Shepard’s smile widened at the memory. “It came to pass that I was moving through that town with a garrison, we were to set up tent a mile outside the village, and the other soldiers would tell me stories about this crazy woman they had met in town. I saw her when we went into the inn one evening to have a drink, she was magnificent, and truly, she was. What I didn’t know was that her father had told her to find a husband within a year, and if she didn’t succeed, he would send her out on her own.” Shepard looked down on his hands, “I thought I wanted a wife like everyone else, and I was her ticket out of that sleepy little town. And it all worked out in the end. I respect Jaqueline, I adore her and I trust her with my life, but I don’t think we ever loved each other. Call it a marriage of convenience if you must, but that was what it was.” He sighed heavily, “And now I am to blame for sending her back to that cauldron of small minds, heavy with child and no husband to show for it.”

“I’m sorry.” Kaidan said.

“I’m guessing that the child is born by now.” Shepard said softly, sadly. “I didn’t want that child to begin with, but no one deserves the fate that they must endure. I just wish that my son or daughter isn’t born with the condition as well.”

“At least you know she is well, and you can ride to her as soon as you are fit to travel.” Kaidan said with a tiny smile, which he felt was more fake than a whore in a Brother's cape.

“First I will try and repay your kindness.” Shepard said with a yawn, already drained by staying awake this long. “Undo what they did to you...” He mumbled.

“First,” Kaidan said softly, “You must rest.” He patted Shepard’s shoulder lightly, “I will be back this evening, with some food, and see to your arm and your fever again.”

“Yes.” Shepard mumbled half asleep.

 -*-

The next day Kaidan was whistling to himself as he walked down the dark, cold corridor with his arms full of clothes. He had managed to secure some smallclothes, pants and a shirt, and best of all he had found that Shepard’s boots had not been burned along with the rest of his belongings upon his arrival.  Kaidan pushed the door open with his foot finding Shepard sleeping. “Good morning Shepard.” He said merrily, grinning as Shepard stirred in bed. “I have something for you.”

 “Food I hope.” Shepard mumbled, pulling the cover up over his shoulder.

 “Not quite Ser.” He put the clothes down on his own cot, “I look the liberty to discuss your recovery with the Senior Priest, and he agreed with me that you most likely will not regress now. And so we can let you out of this room and access to the rest of the temple grounds. I do however not think you are well enough to travel, you still have some recovery to do, but it’s nothing a little time and sun won’t cure.”

 Shepard sat up with a labored groan. 

“I brought you clothes.” Kaidan said happily, “I hope they fit because it was hard to come by.”  He silenced the question he could see on Shepard’s face with a calming hand gesture. “Your clothes were all burned when you arrived here; your armor is still locked up, as is your weapons.” He pointed at the bundle, “But your boots were not destroyed, I take it that someone thought that they could make a quick coin off them in town.” 

“Thank you Brother Alenko.” Shepard said with a little amused smile, amused because Kaidan was so excited about so little. “So does this mean I will recover completely?” 

“Yes I believe so.” Kaidan said, “Do you need help getting clothed?” 

“No.” Shepard huffed. 

“Very well,” Kaidan bowed slightly and went for the door, “I will wait out here, call for me when you are done.” 

Shepard was sweating as a pig just from the effort of swinging his legs out over the side of the bed. He reached for the bundle and started dressing himself, he was about halfway through when Kaidan knocked the door and asked if he was well. Shepard just grunted something in reply, and finished dressing himself clumsily. “Brother?” He called. 

“Yes?” Kaidan leaned into the room. “Are you done dressing?” 

“I am.” Shepard said,  

Kaidan resisted the smile that would have crept up on him seeing Shepard sitting there on the haystack; it was nothing short of a miracle. “Are you ready to venture outside? The weather is lovely today.” 

“Outside? Well... I suppose…” Shepard nodded, “Yes.”

 “I brought you something more.”  Kaidan said, holding out a makeshift crutch, “I will aid you, but you haven’t used your legs for so long, that I hardly think you are going to skip down the corridor.” 

Shepard smiled relieved, and took Kaidan’s outstretched hand, letting himself be pulled to his feet. Alenko hadn’t been far off, Shepard’s legs were sore and wobbly, and he had to lean heavily on Alenko till he got a good grip on the crutch, he grit his teeth as he tried to level his weight, leaning more on the crutch and his good arm, while the injured one rested on Alenko’s shoulder. 

Kaidan got a good grip around Shepard’s waist, and nodded, “Come then.” He slowly started to walk letting Shepard set the pace.  

Before they even stepped outside, Shepard winched. “What is that smell?” He asked under his breath. 

“It is – “ Kaidan paused as he adjusted his grip on Shepard. “The fire pits.” 

Shepard turned his head and looked at Kaidan, “Dead livestock? People? Both?” 

“Both.” Kaidan nodded, “It’s crude but necessary, I am sure you know this.” He smiled a little sadly at Shepard, “Being used to the battlefield and all.” 

“Yes and no.” Shepard admitted. 

They stepped outside in the pale sunlight, grey specks rained down on them as if it was snowing in summer. They both knew what it was, but chose to leave it at that. However, the fire pits were far from the worst part, when Shepard was in the temple courtyard he could look out over the rather large settlement that had emerged around the hill upon which the temple was built.  Shepard sat down with great care on a stone from what had once been a wall around the courtyard, “That is a lot of people.” He whispered as he looked out over the settlement and its sickly looking inhabitants. 

“All sorts came here, some came with is all the way from court, and others came when their village was burned down, or their crops had failed for third year in a row. Starvation forced a large part of the local population to find other means of survival, some joined the rebel army, others became highwaymen, and some came here and other places like it to…”  Kaidan said softly, sitting down next to Shepard. 

“Die?” Shepard said in a near whisper. “I cannot imagine that anything can grow in this place.” 

“A lot die.” Kaidan admitted, “A lot come down with the sickness, and every day there is more people joining us, deserters from either army stuck in this place.” He sighed, “No one comes here because they want to, they come here in the hope of help or a cure.”  

“There is no cure.” Shepard said, looking away from the depressing settlement and looking at Alenko, “Is there?” 

“No.” Kaidan said, “We simply don’t know why some survive and some die, but if you were to ask me, then the better stocked you are, the better your chances of survival are. I am no doctor but I bet my life that many of these poor souls could have been saved if they had not been so weak from other diseases and ailments.” 

“That makes sense.” Shepard said. 

“The temple houses those bedridden, but we simply cannot accommodate everyone who seeks us out.” Kaidan gestured out over the settlement, “The people built this, and more tents and huts are made every day as more come. They come here looking for spiritual salvation, while living in their own filth. I cannot help but to feel horrible that I can’t do more for them.” 

Shepard sat listening to Alenko, while looking down at the people milling about down between the tents, watching as the grey residue slowly descended on everything. “What do they eat? I see no fields or livestock around.” 

“War, famine and plague left these lands destitute, as I said before then the crops have failed the farmers for years now, most the livestock died. Even had these men been hunters there is not enough wild game around anymore to feed a family, little less an entire village.” 

“Animals got the sickness too?” Shepard asked, surprised to hear that. 

“Yes and no.” Kaidan said with a slight shrug. “My guess is that whatever caused the crops to fail also poisoned the animals that ate the greens.” 

“And the people who eat the animals?” Shepard asked, shifting in his seat, slightly disturbed. 

“I have seen people attempt to eat sick and rotten meat, only to get sick themselves. But hunger will drive people to eat things you would not believe.” Kaidan said solemnly. 

“Oh I would.” Shepard nodded, “I never saw it myself, but I heard many a battle tale about soldiers being left for dead in secluded areas, and they would eat their own friends. Madness is sure to follow once one turns to cannibalism, and the stories go that these soldiers got a taste for it.” Shepard looked up into the skies, “I am sure that these stories are mostly cautionary tales, but it is not so farfetched.” 

Kaidan nodded, and even if the talk they had was dark, he was surprised that Shepard was this easy to have a meaningful conversation with, he seemed genuinely interested in these people’s wellbeing, something Kaidan had never thought in a million years. 

“You never answered me, Brother Alenko. What do these people eat then?”  

“Nothing.” Kaidan said, “We attempt to feed them every other or third day. Solely on recourses that some people still place at the temple. Sometimes it is valuables sometimes it is cloth. We attempt to get food to the children every day.”  

“I imagine there is not a whole lot of those left. Children I mean.” Shepard said with a deflated expression. 

“No there are not.” Kaidan admitted. 

“I have been fed every day since I woke.” Shepard said unsettled, “Who’s food have I been eating?” He turned to Kaidan, “Please tell me you didn’t take it from a child’s ration.” 

“It’s more complex than that.” Kaidan said. “We are stuck knee deep in death out here in the middle of the wilderness, and still they play the court game.” 

“Politics.” Shepard said with disgust. 

“Yes.” Kaidan said, “We are in dire needs here, if we are to save these people, we need funding from home, and you were a fate-sent. Surely you understand that.” 

Shepard nodded, he had spent too many years learning how to navigate in court to miss the badly hidden intent. “If you could save me, you would have someone in your debt, someone close to the King.” 

“Exactly.” 

“You could not have known that I have not been close with the King since the old King was still alive. So I cannot do what you wish from me.” Shepard said. “Was that why I got the Royal treatment? And  - “ He almost didn’t dare word it. “What will happen now that you know that I am not the salvation you thought I was.” 

“Nothing.” Kaidan said gently, “What you have is what I gave you.” 

Shepard studied Alenko’s expression. 

Kaidan took a deep breath and said, “I was not always a Brother, and before I came to be one, I lived a life of privilege. This is not important, besides that, I know how to remember information, store it away in my head to use later. It was a skill I acquired with my mother’s milk.” 

“Nobles.” Shepard whispered mostly to himself. 

“I overheard you talking with the Senior Priest at court, and I thought to myself that if you were really the Kings right hand, then why would you argue with the Senior Priest? You would just have asked the King for a permit, but clearly, you struggled with obtaining one. And I admit that I already knew that your wife was biotic because of this incident, because otherwise you would not need a permit.”  Kaidan looked up into the sky and smiled to himself, “I did as I was told when you arrived here, but kept this information to myself. I knew that you were not the champion that the Senior Priest here was hoping you were. Moreover, to answer your question, then the rations you ate were mine, and the cell where you have been sleeping is mine, I gave you this by own volition. You were always kind to me when we met at court, I am sure you do not remember, but I do.” 

“You gave up all that for me? Why would you do that Brother?” Shepard asked, feeling absolutely dirty, he did not want Alenko’s sacrifice, nor had he asked for it. 

“Because I wanted to.” Kaidan countered. 

It took a while before Shepard spoke. “You nursed me back to life, you mended my bones and kept me safe when I needed it the most. I cannot do what your Senior Priest asks of me, but I swear I will find another way of repaying your kindness.” 

“Lofty words.” Kaidan muttered. 

“And true.” Shepard said. “Do you want your cell back? I don’t feel right taking it from you.” 

Kaidan smiled, “You can stay in my cell for as long as you wish.” 

“What about you?” Shepard asked. 

“I have been sharing a cot with a Brother.” Kaidan stated. 

“Oh.” Shepard said, smiling as he looked away from Kaidan. “Then all is well.” 

Kaidan did not bother to set Shepard straight, reminding him that all Brothers took a vow of chastity and whatever Shepard’s vulgar mind could conjure up was not true. He just sighed heavily, “Do you need help to get back in bed?” 

“Yes please.” Shepard said, standing with much difficulty. “Tomorrow, can we go down there?” He asked, nodding towards the settlement. 

“If you wish.” Kaidan said, wrapping an arm around Shepard’s waist, aiding him back to the cell.

 


	6. Chapter 6

The next day when Kaidan came to help Shepard outside, he found the cell empty, puzzled he started to make his way down the dark hallway, and halfway he saw Shepard, awkwardly leaning in his crutch, cradling his broken arm across his chest.  “Shepard.” Kaidan said softly, “Don’t strain yourself; you should have waited for me. What if you fell?”

“I am a soldier Brother Alenko.” Shepard hissed out between gritted teeth.

“I know.” Kaidan said, “I am here if you need me.” Then he just walked slowly next to Shepard until they were outside. “You wanted to go down into the settlement?”

“Yes.” Shepard said panting slightly. “I _might_ need your arm to lean on.”

Kaidan smiled but did not laugh. “That is what I am here for.” He held his arm out for Shepard to lean on.

“So last night, I spent a long time thinking about some of the things you said yesterday.” Shepard said, “About the filth and constant death.”

“Yes?”

“I know that when you set up a military camp, one which you know you are going to stay at for a while, maybe months. You make sure that there is a specific place where people go to shit.” Shepard frowned as the stink of the settlement hit him full on. “I know this is not a military camp, but still…”

“So what would you suggest?” Kaidan asked, nodding as he greeted some of the people of the settlement.

“I suggest getting every able bodied person to dig two holes for the people to go shit in, so it’s not, well _here_.”  He nodded to the muddy path they walked on. “I have seen this on the battlefield; rotting corpses and poor sanitation have brought armies to their knees with disease.” Shepard said.

“Your words sound wise, and I will take the suggestion to the Senior Priest today.” Kaidan said.

“Knight-Commander!” Someone called, Shepard looked up and saw four men standing in front of him, “We heard you were dead, Ser.”

“I’m not.” Shepard just stated. “Why are you here?” He asked puzzled.

“I was left for dead at the battle with the chieftain, and I made my way here, as for the others, I think that is their story to tell.” The soldier said. The three other men looked down at the grime on their feet.

Kaidan leaned in and whispered, “They are probably deserters all of them, if you must discipline them, I would that you did so elsewhere.”

Shepard looked at Kaidan for a moment, and then turned to the soldiers, “I care not why you are here, let us just be glad to be alive.”

“Bless you Ser!” the soldier sighed happily, “Come share our food if you are not too busy, Knight-Commander.”

“I would not impose.”

“You are not.” The soldier said, “Come please, it is the least we can do.”

“Very well.” Shepard said, Kaidan letting go of his arm, and the soldier stepping in where Kaidan had been.

“I shall come find you later.” Kaidan said with a genuine smile before he turned and walked up the hill again, he had heard tales about Shepard’s cruelty, his uncompromising leadership, and yet he had forgiven these men so easily. Kaidan’s smile widened, maybe this place was really a place of spiritual change and healing, and maybe Shepard really was fate-sent? He could honestly say he had not expected a lot of Shepard, but he had shown to be so much more than what he had thought.

-*-

Later that evening Kaidan went to the Senior Priest who was in the main room of worship in the temple, arranging some of the candles and offerings that people had left for the shard of Sovereign. “Forgive me your holiness; can I interrupt you for but a moment?”

“Alenko.” The Senior Priest sighed. “If you must.”

“I spoke with the Knight-Commander, and he wished to make some improvements to the settlement, I believe he knows what –“

The Senior Priest turned to look at Kaidan in the light of the candles, “Is he well enough to travel?”

“No, Ser.” Kaidan said. “His arm has not mended, and he needs aid to walk.”

“Alright.” The Senior Priest nodded, “He can do what he sees fit to improve the settlement, as long as it does not harm the people, or us.”

‘Our noble cause, of self-serving’ Kaidan almost muttered under his breath, but just nodded, “Thank you your holiness.” He said softly, bowing courteously before he exited the hall, he went in search of Brother Tiber whom he shared a room with, eager to set things into motion.

 

_*_

 

The next day when Shepard leaned a little less on his crutch, feeling strength returning to his legs, it took him much shorter time to get outside to the courtyard than it had the previous days. What met him though, he had not been prepared for. There stood Alenko with another Brother, and around twelve men, some Shepard knew, and some he had never seen before. Some of the men were fidgeting more than the others.

“Knight-Commander Shepard.” Kaidan said with a victorious grin, “I took your words to the Senior Priest, and he said that you could make whichever improvements to the camp as long as it didn’t harm anyone. So we collected all able bodied persons we could to aid you.”

“That is… that is magnificent!” Shepard lit up in a happy smile, “Thank you Brother Alenko and... uhm...”

“Brother Tiber.” Tiber said.

“And thank you Brother Tiber.” Shepard said politely, and then turned to the dozen men lined up. “My name is Knight-Commander Shepard, and before we start todays work, I will have you know that I care not where you came from, if you once were friend or foe. Today we work for this encampment to be a better place to stay, and I expect you all to fall in line and accept my command.”

“Yes, Ser!” The men who used to be soldiers bellowed and the farmers just muttered yes or nodded. 

“Grand.” Shepard walked over carefully sat down on a piece of the wall that had broken off. “I want you four to dig a hole, big enough to fit a cow. You must dig it at least twenty strides from the outmost tent. Then I want you to spread the word that everyone who needs to relieve themselves, should use a bucket and empty it once a day, or just use the hole as is. Tell them it will cure anything from scurvy to warts if you must, I care not, just see to it that they understand it is important that they use that hole. When it’s almost full, we will dig a new one.” 

He pointed at the next four men, “And you four will go to the outmost tent to the east and walk no less than ten strides from it and dig a hole big enough to fit a cow as well. And you will then take a cart and remove as much filth as you see on the muddy paths, take it to the hole and when you are done, you cast the dirt back on it.”

Shepard looked thoughtful for a moment, “Are there any locals here? A hunter maybe?”

“I used to have a farm close by, Ser.” A man said carefully raising his hand.

“Do you know if there are any animals left to shoot around?” Shepard asked.

“I don’t believe there is, most the animals around here both wild and domestic died from some odd sickness, not like the one people die from, but none the less they would start to act strange like were they drunk, and the keel over dead.” The man said.

“Hmmm.” Shepard scratched his matted hair. “Very well.” He pulled a small leather string over his head, which held three rings. He snapped the string and gave the one of the four last men it in his hand. “I charge you with going into town and trying to procure a cow or a horse, or just anything which is large and we can slaughter and cook up as soup for everyone.” He tied the leather string back together and tucked it in under his shirt.

He looked at Tiber and Alenko, “I would like to bury the dead instead of inhaling them with every breath I take, but I also agree that people are just dying too fast for us to bury them at this time. So I think I will go aid the people at the fire pits, and see if we can catch up.”  He then tore a piece of his shirt at the bottom and tied around his nose and mouth so it fit like a mask, pulling it down again, he stood from his seat, only to find Kaidan at his side.

“I will accompany you.” Kaidan said, “Have to keep an eye on my charge, don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

-*-

Shepard had slept better that night than he had since he had in a long time, he had worked hard, ignoring Alenko when he had told him to slow down, there had been a job to do, and he had done it. This morning he woke by Alenko flinging the door to the cell open. “Shepard, Ser. You need to come see this.” He cheered.

“Alright.” Shepard rubbed his face and got to his feet, he reached for his crutch, he might not lean on it as much anymore, but he still needed it. He did not know why it hurt so to walk, he had not broken his legs or hip. He followed Alenko outside to see a pile of meat, and four very smiling men standing about.

“It’s a horse.” One of the men said, “We bought it off a miller, it had gone lame, but was healthy otherwise.”

Shepard just stared at the perfectly cut meat, and the men standing there waiting for him to speak. “That is…” Shepard looked up and split in a huge grin. “Perfect!”

The men nodded and relaxed some.

“I suppose we could cook some gruel that would feel everyone.” Kaidan said looking the meat over.

“My thought exactly.” Shepard agreed, he addressed the men again, “Does any of you know how to cook something like this so it will feed everyone?”

The men shook their heads.

-*-

It had not taken long to find some persons who could make the horsemeat stretch so everyone would have a full belly for tonight. Shepard sat on a rock overlooking camp, listening to the women behind him laugh and talk, they all sounded less listless than before. He knew that one day of food would not go far, but it was more than they had yesterday.

“Shepard.” Kaidan said softly, sitting down next to him, fresh bandage in hand. “I have been forgetting to change your bandage, tightening your shins,” He held out a hand, palm up. “Can I have your arm please.”

Shepard held out his arm, letting Kaidan take off the dirty bandage. “I can’t save them, you know that.”

“I know.” Kaidan said, “But you are trying your best.”

Shepard laughed softly, “Trying isn’t good enough.”

“You know, when you were first brought here, I did not know what to expect. And I do not mean, if you lived or died, but _you_ , when or if you woke.”

“Oh?” Shepard turned to look at Kaidan, “In which way?”

“I never thought you were compassionate, humble and, accommodating.” Kaidan said, his cheeks flushing slightly as he admitted his private thoughts, embarrassed to admit to them now, but he still felt it was important for Shepard to know.

Shepard on the other hand just shrugged, “You only heard the stories I take it. How I would bathe in the blood of my enemies and so forth.” He actually laughed at this, “I will not lie, to command a garrison does require a good portion of authority, and the willingness to go first, and follow through with punishments. How else would you get the respect needed?”

Kaidan just listened and nodded. “Still, I always took you for a spoiled noble who had fortune on his side, enough so that he could walk through life entitled and rich.”

“You thought me a noble?” Shepard chuckled, “I am not.” He hesitated for a moment as he turned to look out over the settlement, “My mother was a prostitute, my father I – He could have been anyone. I never questioned it, but sure I harboured dreams about my rich father would come and take me with him.” Shepard looked down at his hands, idly scratching mending arm. “When she discovered she had fallen pregnant she went home to her parents in disgrace, she stayed long enough to give birth and then soon after she left for the city once more… She never came back.”

“I’m…” Kaidan whispered, shocked that he could have misjudged Shepard’s origin so.

“I stayed with my old grandparents on their farm till they died. When they had died, I had nothing, the Earl owned the farm, and – A long story short, I was fifteen winters as I arrived in the city. Maybe I had at one point hoped to find my mother, I never did. She was probably long dead.” Shepard chuckled bitterly to himself, “Black Annie. That was her name.”

Kaidan placed a hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “I am sorry to hear that your life started so rough.”

“It was nothing.” Shepard said, “Anyway it ended with then Prince James’ wet-nurse took me in, and that is how I ended up at court.” He finally turned to Kaidan, “You were born noble, yes?”

“I was.” Kaidan said, “I had a wonderful childhood, big mansion, adoring parents, siblings to play with in the garden, servants to bring me whatever I wanted.” Kaidan echoed Shepard’s bitter smile, “You might have met my sister, Lady Ashley of Sirona.”

“The name rings familiar, I believe I might have been introduced to her once.” Shepard nodded, “But I am afraid that I don’t really remember her.”

“There is not a whole lot to tell,” Kaidan said, “I presume she still lives with our parents.”

“Does the temple prohibit that you contact your family?” Shepard asked.

“No.” Kaidan said, “They don’t exactly condone it either, but if I really wanted to visit, I suppose I could.” He got up with a heavy sigh, “Very well, I should return to my duties, I have been neglecting them for too long, and you seem like you are able to get around on your own now… So, I will be in the temple if you need me.” He nodded courteously at Shepard and left.

Shepard watched him leave, thinking that he must have struck a nerve for Alenko to literally run off like that. There was not much he could do about that, so he returned to soaking up the sun. He listened to the ladies behind him as they stirred the giant iron cauldron with the meat gruel.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A extra warning for this chapter, cause there is a childbirth. If that unsettles you I wanted to say that it's not overly graphic, and the baby is going to be fine. =)

Shepard had helped handing out the gruel, people had been thankful; some had even kissed his cheek. Sitting down to eat his own portion, he had looked over at Kaidan who was seated some meters away, he had smiled so sweetly and proudly, it was worth a million times more than the kisses in his cheek. Shepard felt his chest flutter and his own returned smile widen to a leer. He was proud, wasn’t he? He had done something good here, but best of it all was that smile that Kaidan had given him, it spoke volumes about their friendship.

The mood was merrier than it had been in a long while, until a two men came carrying a woman, Shepard had seen her before, but now she looked deathly pale and on the verge of consciousness. “There is something wrong!” One of the men squeaked, frightened.

“Come, bring her inside the temple.” The Senior Priest said, “Quickly now.”

Shepard looked at the scene unfold before his eyes, noticing Kaidan getting up from his seat, handing his gruel to the person next to him before he hurried inside the temple.

“What ails her?” Shepard asked the woman sitting next to him, “Do you know?”

“I know she is pregnant,” She shrugged, “Must be the baby,” the woman sighed, “That poor lass.”

Shepard looked down at his bowl of gruel, “Maybe the Brothers know a way.”

“Maybe.” She said, “Childbirth has always been dangerous business for any woman, to take it lightly would be foolish.”

“Do you think she will survive?” Shepard asked in a whisper.

The woman shook her head slowly, “But the Brothers might help ease her passage to the Deep Dark.”

Shepard fell silent, it felt wrong just to let that woman die, but he was not a doctor, and he knew nothing at all about childbirth. Still he could not just sit here. “Excuse me.” He mumbled getting up, getting his crutch and walked as fast as he could to the temple.

-*-

As he arrived, he literally bumped straight into a flustered Kaidan. “Shepard!” Kaidan panted, “Do you know how to deliver a baby?”

“What?” Shepard answered surprised, “Eh, no.”

“Damned be.” Kaidan muttered, “Shepard, that woman is going to die if we don’t –“He hesitated and looked over his shoulder, “They are in there meditating, that is all well and good, but I care not what Sovereign might do or not do with her soul, that poor woman needs a doctor.”

Shepard bit his lip, “What is the problem? Is she sick?”

Kaidan shrugged and shook his head at the same time, visibly shaken by the whole situation. “No I don’t think so. Her husband told us that she had been in labor for the past two days and still the baby has not come out.”

“You could cut the baby out, maybe it would survive, if it isn’t already dead.” Shepard the ever pragmatic, said.

“By the Dark! Shepard!” Kaidan squealed appalled.

 “Forgive me; I am still thinking as a military man. If a man’s leg is killing him, cut it off and he might survive.” Shepard looked away from Kaidan’s wild blown eyes, embarrassed that he had even voiced that thought. “We have to do _something_ Brother Alenko.”

“Come.” Kaidan grabbed Shepard’s good arm and hauled him along.

The scene that met Shepard made him take a step back. The woman was splayed on the floor and the Brothers and the two men were sitting around her, mumbling, meditating. Shepard squared his shoulders and walked up to the scene, gingerly he sat down and looked where the baby was supposed to come out, he had thought it would be horrible, but it wasn’t – actually it reminded him of something. “Kaidan.” He whispered, Kaidan coming to his side. “I think the baby is stuck.”

“Yes?”

“We could try one thing, maybe it will work, and maybe it will not.” Shepard whispered, “And no, there will be no cutting anybody up involved.”

“Good.”

“When I lived on the farm, we had a cow which had a stillborn calf, but for some reason it didn’t ...uhm... fall out. So my grandfather reached in and unstuck it.” Shepard felt his cheeks heat up, “Maybe it would work on a woman as well.”

“I don’t see what we have to lose.” Kaidan whispered back.

“Right.” Shepard took a deep couple of breaths, preparing for what he would do.

-*-

Kaidan shuffled nervously, not sure if he should sit down with the other Brothers, or if he could help Shepard. Poor Shepard looked mostly like he was going to be sick, still it made Kaidan’s heart swell a little, he had just never realized how brave someone had to be to be Knight-Commander. He had always thought that the generals and commanders would hide behind his army, commanding people to their deaths, but always sticking to the back, barking out orders. He had a hard time seeing Shepard being that kind of leader, he was sure that Shepard was the type of commander who would be in the first line, ready for whatever came his way. No wonder his men loved him.

“Alenko!” Shepard suddenly yelped, “Come quick!”

Kaidan was shaken from his thoughts and hurried to Shepard’s side, to his surprise Shepard held up a tiny slightly blueish baby, Kaidan had never seen a new-born before and was slightly shocked that it was so, slimy. “Hold him.” Shepard said, and Kaidan did, he held out his arms and accepted the tiny sticky bundle in his arms.

“Isn’t it supposed to cry?” Kaidan asked disturbed, noting that the mother struggled to hoist herself unto her elbow, looking at the scene; even the Brothers seemed to hold their breath, waiting.

Shepard looked bewildered for a moment, and the dug a grimy finger into the baby’s mouth before leaning in, breathing softly into the baby. When he pulled back, the baby weakly wiggled. “Look Alenko! Look! He’s alive.” Shepard looked close to tears, he cupped Kaidan’s face and placed a kiss straight on his lips, Kaidan did not even get a moment to process before Shepard pulled back, and then leaned in for a second kiss. “He is alive.”

“He is.” Kaidan mumbled, licking his lips. “He belongs with his mother.”

The father of the baby left his wife’s side to come collect the child. “What is your name good Ser? I want to thank you properly.”

“John.” Shepard said, “My name is John, and –“

“There are no words to tell you what you did for me and my family.” The man said, holding the baby close to his chest.

“It was my privilege.” Shepard said smiling happily at the man and Kaidan.

-*-

The festivities were well under way around him, and Kaidan was in a good mood for the first time in what seemed like ages. The first surviving baby in years had to be a cause for celebration. Sadly, the head priest did not feel the same, and had urged all of the brothers not to participate. Kaidan thought that was preposterous and was glad to see that he was not the only who had disobeyed the priests wishes.

Kaidan had seen Shepard earlier, he seemed in his element, working on seven different projects, laughing and having a great time. Shepard really was a hands-on kind of man, only really happy when he was actually working with his hands and body. Now he sat down on a stump, sweating like a pig, and laughing at a guy who kept getting the steps wrong, drinking wine and tapping the rhythm with his foot. Kaidan saw his moment and casually walked over and sat down next to Shepard. “Enjoying yourself?” Kaidan asked as he sat.

“It’s marvelous.” Shepard said with a big smile, and then nodded, “I think we all needed to be reminded that there are more in this world than death.”

“True.” Kaidan said with a smile. “I have been meaning to tell you that what you did for that baby and the mother was… brave.”

“You think me brave?” Shepard’s smile became amused and coy at the same time, and he looked away from Kaidan and out over the dancing people again. “Thank you. But I think most would have done what I did.”

“No they wouldn’t.” Kaidan said softly. “You know that.” He paused, “Surely it can’t be the first time you were told this.”

Shepard shrugged, still not looking at Kaidan, but Kaidan could see the smile widen to a grin. “Would you believe me if I said yes?”

Kaidan did not answer; he just stared at Shepard, at loss for words. Finally, Shepard turned his head and looked at Kaidan, “I am a soldier, Brother Alenko. I am not brave; I follow orders and do my duty.”

“No one ordered you to save that child.” Kaidan insisted.

“True.” Shepard nodded. “I’m glad I did – Save him that is.”

“Me too.” Kaidan agreed, he wanted to ask about the kiss but he dared not, he was not sure he wanted to hear the answer from Shepard. It had most likely been a spur of the moment kiss, still Kaidan could not help but to wish it was so much more.

“Knight-Commander! Show us one of them fancy dances from court!” A man yelled.

Shepard shook his head, “I am not a dancer.”

“Please?” A young woman who sat closer to Shepard said.

“You are noble of birth Brother Alenko, you know how to do a Saltarello?” Shepard whispered to his sideman.

“Yes.” Kaidan whispered back, “I haven’t danced in at least five years, so I might…”

“Still better than me I’m sure.” Shepard smiled at Kaidan as he stood. “Right.” He pointed at the musicians, “You know how to play a Saltarello?” The musicians nodded. “Grand!” Shepard laughed and then turned to Kaidan who still sat at the stub, “May I have this dance?” Shepard asked as he bowed and held out a hand.

Kaidan hoped to the abyss and beyond that he did not blush in front of all these people, and yet he took Shepard’s hand letting him pull Kaidan to his feet.

Shepard smiled and mouthed _thanks_ , and Kaidan hoped that only he could hear how his heart hammered in his chest.

They held hands and took a couple of steps forward, a couple of steps backwards, a kick to the side, and kick to the middle – So far so good. Shepard let go of Kaidan’s hand and twirled around laughing, waiting for Kaidan to do the same, and as the resumed the step kick routine, Shepard started laughing, “I’m the girl?”

“That you are.” Kaidan answered back with a badly hidden grin.

“Can’t be helped then.” Shepard laughed and let Kaidan twirl him, almost losing his footing. “Oh dear I think I had more to drink than I thought.” Shepard laughed.

“Stand.” Kaidan giggled, watching as Shepard stood still and curtsied as Kaidan danced around him in a full circle before the resumed their step kick.

Shepard could not stop laughing and could hardly dance for his laughing fit. “You stand.” He laughed and then did the same as Kaidan did before.

“Are you ready?” Kaidan chuckled. “Both hands.”

“Absolutely.” Shepard said, and grabbed both Kaidan’s hands as they danced around in a circle, in the end Shepard tripped over his own feet and brought them both stumbling down to the ground.

Kaidan was not sure if he should be mortified or amused as Shepard pulled him down with him, and he landed chest against chest in front of every inhabitant of the shelters and his brothers. However, Shepard just laughed, “Told you I wasn’t a dancer.”

“You did a fine job till you fell.” Kaidan mumbled getting to his feet. 

“Teach me.” A young lady gently pulled the sleeve of Kaidan’s robe. “Please.”

Shepard just laughed as he too got to his feet, gesturing to the band to keep playing. He smiled at Kaidan and the woman, “Excuse me,” He bowed politely again, “I need more wine.” Shepard shook his head and laughed softly as he walked back to his seat.

Kaidan tried to show the woman how to dance, and slowly more came to, allowing Kaidan to slip away. He looked over at the stub where Shepard had been seated, but found that he was no longer there. Kaidan turned around and scanned the feast till he found Shepard in deep conversation with a younger soldier, sighing Kaidan decided not to interrupt and just sat down to watch the dance. He tried not to look in Shepard’s direction but failed. Why was he even entertaining these ideas, nothing would come of it. He could hear Shepard’s drunken laugh over the music.

-*-

It was late when Shepard found Kaidan again; he was standing against a wooden pole in the damaged structure of the cloister tapping his foot to the music. Shepard held out his glass to Kaidan, “Want some?”

“No thank you.” Kaidan smiled softly. “I don’t drink alcoholic beverages. None of the brothers do.”

“Forgive me.” Shepard slowly lowered his arm, “I did not know.”

“How could you know?” Kaidan said with a shrug.

“Walk with me?” Shepard asked stepping in front of Kaidan.

“If you insist.” Kaidan said smiling in contrast to his hard words, and then followed Shepard down the path away from the cloister courtyard.

“I take it that Brothers don’t dance either.” Shepard said a little cautiously.

“You’re right.” Kaidan said, enjoying the night air and getting away from the drunken, noisy feast for a while, but not sure why Shepard would make such a request of him.

“But yet you danced with me?” Shepard asked softly, “How come?”

“You asked me.” Kaidan said, knowing that he could never give Shepard an answer that would satisfy him.

Shepard stopped and turned to look at Kaidan in the dark. “Won’t the senior priest be angry with you?”

“Perhaps.” Kaidan said turning to start walking again, “It is not easy to know what will anger him.”

“If you wish it, I will speak to the senior priest and tell him I made you dance.” Shepard said jogging two steps to keep up with Kaidan’s now brisk pace.

“No need Shepard.” Kaidan sneered.

“Wait.” Shepard grabbed Kaidan’s arm and turned him around so they were face to face. “I didn’t know that Brothers didn’t dance, if I had known I would never have asked it of you.” He stared Kaidan directly into the eyes, “At least let me undo the wrong I did.”

“I could have refused you.” Kaidan said harshly, “You make it sound like you ordered me to dance.”

“True.” Shepard sighed, “Please Alenko, tell me why you are so upset with me then.”

Kaidan shook his head, there was no way to explain how he felt, he had not given love any thought in years, he had come to terms with this was how his life was going to stay, he was going to live it out in solitude with the Brothers. He was never to take a wife, never sire children, never to take a lover, never to know what a naked body against his own felt. Until recently, he had never thought he would know what a kiss would feel like. Damned be John Shepard to dance into his life like this and turn everything upside down, to make him yearn for what he could not have.

“You must tell me.” Shepard’s words slurred a little but he looked worried, which just made Kaidan look away. “In truth I have grown rather fond of you Alenko.  You are wise, beautiful and caring. I would be yours if you but say the word.” He paused, “Please tell me how I wronged you so I can undo the damage,”

Kaidan’s mouth was dry and his heart beat with double the pace, but he still managed to look at Shepard calmly. “You must mistake me for my sister. Sir.”

“What?” Shepard’s worry gave way to confusion. “Why would you say that?”

“We should head back.” Kaidan said, and tried to pull his arm back, but Shepard just tightened his grip keeping him in place.

“Tell me, please. Why would you say that?” Shepard asked, a frustrated tone snuck into his voice.

“Your compliments are lost on me.” Kaidan stated flatly.

“But...” Shepard tried to meet Kaidan’s eyes but he Brother would not let him. He sighed heavily and then let go of Kaidan’s arms. “Please stay, I will speak no more of it.”

Kaidan looked at Shepard in the dark, he looked so sad, but Kaidan told himself that the knight-commander was drunk and that was why he reacted thus. “I will see you in the morning. I hope to travel into town to procure yet another cow or horse to cook.” He smiled a little sadly at Shepard, “I bid you good night, Sir.”

“Please.” Shepard said, but as he looked up Kaidan had already started to walk back up the path to the cloister. “Good night to you as well.” Shepard mumbled as he sat down on the side of the path with a sigh. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

When Shepard woke, his mouth was dry and his head pounded, with dawning horror he recalled the conversation with Alenko last night, he had really made a terrible mess of it hadn’t he? Why had Alenko not told him that dancing was not allowed? Sitting up Shepard groaned, and then a tiny smile formed on his lips as he recalled dancing with Alenko, he could imagine him in fine silks dancing with the nobles, his moves had been sure and perfect unlike Shepard’s own clumsy attempt. He would have looked absolutely magnificent; he would have been the most beautiful one there. If only he had not been born as the second child.

As Shepard got up he noticed the sun through the window hole in the wall, most curious, from the light he would think it was about midday, but Alenko had said he would wake him, had he not?

-*-

“They left?” Shepard stared in confusion at the Brother, “When?”

“Early this morning.” The Brother said politely, “Please Sir, I do not know when they will return.”

“Thank you.” Shepard said and placed a friendly hand on the Brother’s shoulder. He turned and looked out over the encampment, why had Alenko not woken him? Had he really offended him that much by a dance? He had been rather mad at him last night, had he not? Shepard sighed; maybe he _had_ been a little too obvious in his attraction in his drunken state, making the poor man uncomfortable with compliments? He had to get a better hold of himself.

Shepard cross his arms over his chest and started to walk down the same path he and Alenko had walked last night. He would have to make it clear that he cherished Alenko’s friendship, and put an end to any other more inappropriate thoughts about the young man, clearly they were unwanted. It saddened him that he had been that rudely rejected, but he understood why.

The moment he admitted to himself just how sad he was that his attraction to Alenko was not mutual, he could not help but to think of Jaqueline, it was like the qualities that she lacked, he saw in Alenko. He recalled how frustrated he had been that Jaqueline did not have a humble bone in her body, as a rich merchant’s foster child she was used to getting her way. Hardship for her was no more tea, and the closest to manual labor she had ever done was walking up stairs. Still he worried, and hoped that James had upheld his end of the bargain and got her out of the city.  Maybe he should write a letter to her. But he would not know how to get it across the border and quarantine zone, and even if that was manageable, he did not know where she lived anymore. A sting of dread went up his spine as he realized that he might never meet his child, should it have survived birth.  He looked out over the fields to the right of the encampment, and decided that it did him nothing to stand around this and drive himself mad with worry and dark thoughts. And so he descended further down into the settlement and walked towards the fields.

-*-

It was dark when Shepard stopped working the fire pits, and walked back towards the cloister. He was tired to the bone, and with no food in his belly, his body had burned all energy he had woken with. As he made it to the cloister courtyard, there were five women at work by a large cauldron and the smell was heavenly.  One of the ladies saw him and waved him over. “You look exhausted, Sir. You must be hungry, come, sit and have some food.”

Shepard had no energy left and let her guide him to sit, and accepted the wooden bowl with some broth in it. “Horse?” He asked, not that he cared really.

“Yes Sir.” The woman nodded. “Brother Alenko bought it for two orphans from a miller who needed labor.”

Shepard looked up at the woman mortified, his food forgotten for the moment, “Brother Alenko sold two young into slavery for a horse?” The woman dared not answer but just turned her back to him. Shepard could have asked for her forgiveness, but did not. He hesitated for a second and then drank down the broth greedily, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Thank you good ladies.” He said with a polite tone, hearing one of the youngest ones giggle.

He had been tired a moment ago, but he knew he would find no rest until he had spoken to Alenko. He walked directly into the halls of worship in search of the Brother. He did not have to search for long until he saw him sweeping the floor at the left row columns, Shepard walked directly over to him with long angry strides. “Brother Alenko.” He commanded “A word please.”

Kaidan looked up at Shepard, “With all respect, I have nothing to say to you. Knight-Commander.”

Shepard blinked, and with a fast slap knocked the broom out of Kaidan’s hands. “Maybe not, but I have something to say to you.” He stated angrily. “The women told me that you sold two young boys to a miller for a horse, is this true?”

“Yes.” Kaidan said and looked defiantly up at Shepard.

“Why?” Shepard’s face contorted in confusion and disgust. “Have these people not seen enough hardship without you selling them off into slavery?”

“You assume you know everything, don’t you?” Kaidan said, and even he was surprised at his boldness and tone. “Those children were orphans, they would have died… maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually and definitely when winter comes, and the miller promised he would treat them as his own, for he had lost his wife and sons to the sickness.” Shepard shifted in his stance but said nothing, he just stared at Kaidan. “I saved them.” Kaidan argued, “I have no need for your righteous fury, knight-commander Shepard.”

Shepard took a deep breath, “Was that why you did not wake me like you promised?”

“Partially.” Kaidan admitted, “I knew you’d not see it the same way as we did.”

“Aha.” Shepard nodded. “So what was the other reason?”

“That I did not wish to be in your presence, and I still do not.” Kaidan could not look at Shepard as he said those harsh words, but bent down to pick up his broom again, “Now excuse me, Sir.”

“Wait.” Shepard stepped in front of Kaidan so he could not retreat, “My mind might have been drunk, but my words held true. But if my compliments made you uncomfortable then I will never speak of it again.” He stepped a bit closer and placed a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder.

Kaidan looked conflicted but finally looked directly at Shepard and whispered, “I have never had anyone speak to me like that.”

“Surely you must have caught the eye –“

“Stop, please.” Kaidan stepped away, “Let us never speak of this again, and there is no ill blood.” He smiled unsure at Shepard.

Shepard stared intently at Kaidan, “It was the kiss then.”

Kaidan did not answer he just turned around to leave, when Shepard grabbed him and pulled him close, and kissed him passionately. Kaidan struggled weakly, conflicted if he wanted this or not. He wanted it so badly his skin tingled with electricity, but he also knew that he should not want it, he could not want it. It would just end in tears and heartbreak for him.  Finally, he pushed Shepard away. “Stop!” He commanded.

Shepard just stood there like a child he was scolding, his blue eyes looked sad, and his entire body language was unsure and skittish. “Never do that again.” Kaidan said softly.

“Is it because I am a man?” Shepard finally whispered.

“Yes.” Kaidan said firmly. “I am a Brother, and you are a man, this is not natural or permitted. Be glad the senior priest did not see.”

Shepard nodded in silent understanding. “I understand.” He mumbled, “Seems I wronged you twice with my foolishness.”

Kaidan looked at Shepard, he just looked to heartbroken that it made Kaidan sad too. “You will be reunited with your wife and your child soon.”

Shepard nodded again.

“I am not angry with you.” Kaidan said, “But do not _ever_ speak of this again.”

Shepard took a deep breath, “You would have been magnificent in silks and expensive fabrics, you would have been worthy of a queen.” He reached out and gingerly caressed Kaidan’s cheek in the dark.

“Please leave.” Kaidan took a step back.

“Of course.” Shepard bowed slightly and left.

Kaidan resumed his sweeping with short angry movements, this was not his calling, this was the card that had been dealt him. He did not ask for it, he did not want it, but it was his – Shepard was not. It was best this way! He licked his lips, and stopped sweeping; he wanted to throw the broom in anger. He wanted nothing more than to run after Shepard, but he knew he could not; he would be ousted from the Brotherhood and disowned by his family, and for what? A fleeting silly daydream and soft lips? He shook his head and resumed sweeping. No, it was best this way.

-*-

Shepard had vacated his cell and moved down to the tent in the settlement where some of his men lived. Kaidan had not been able to sleep there the first night; he kept fooling himself into wondering if this was how Shepard would smell if he was here close, and what it would be like to have a warm body against him under the tattered blanket. He had done his best to get Shepard out of his life because he could not allow himself to entertain the thoughts he had of him, but now that he succeeded, it felt empty and cold. Kaidan missed Shepard around, his laugh and his enthusiasm, and his lovely little shy smile that he would see sometimes when Shepard did not think he was looking.

It was one of the last days of summer, and Kaidan decided to walk far out into the grassy fields around, maybe go see if the women who washed linen needed help. He just had to leave the cloister for the day, away from all the people, away from the smell and away from Shepard. He walked across a flower field, headed for a shady spot under a tree, and laid down. He closed his eyes and just listened to nature, the insects in the air and the faint sound of the settlement, some kids laughing, screaming. He smiled to himself, he imagined him and his sister running around in the mansion garden, their nanny and some other women always busied themselves close by. He had hated hide and seek, Ashley had always been better at it than him, she had also been faster and better at almost all things. Of course, she could not levitate things, he could, and she had been furious. He heard his name called from far away but ignored it until it came again. “Alenko!”

Kaidan sat up and looked for who called his name, he saw a young man from the settlement waving at him. As he comes closer Kaidan can see he is carrying a large bouquet of flowers from the field. “Jacob,” Kaidan said with a smile, “Who are those flowers for?”

Jacob’s smile became a grin “There is this girl, Kelly. I wanted to bring her a gift to make my intentions clear. I have no means or money so someone suggested me flowers.” He smiled shyly, “I hope she likes them”

Kaidan smiled too, “Tell me about your girl.”

“What do you want to know, Brother?” Jacob asked a little verily.

“You plan on marrying her?” Kaidan asked.

“If she’ll have me.” Jacob said with a little nod.

“Who wouldn’t?” Kaidan said with a motherly smile. “I’m happy for you.”

“Forgive me for asking, but what about you and the knight-commander? Maybe you could –“

Kaidan cut Jacob off rudely, “There is no me and the knight-commander, where did you get that wild story from?”

Jacob just smiled serene and looked at Kaidan unimpressed. “Anyone with a pair of eyes can see it.” He stated, “I have never had a woman look at me the way he looks at you, not even Kelly.”

“You are seeing ghosts my dear Jacob.” Kaidan stated flatly, “The knight-commander has a wife and a child, and I am a Brother.” He paused and opened his mouth to say more, but Jacob beat him to it. “Surely you know of a man’s desires, even if you are a Brother.”

“I don’t.” Kaidan said, hoping that Jacob could not tell that he was cringing. “I was sworn as a Brother when I was but a big boy.”

“Oh.” Jacob nodded “Forgive me, I did not mean to…”

“I know.” Kaidan said with a little smile. “But maybe you should get home with those flowers for your Kelly before they wither.”

“Aye, I should.” Jacob said hesitantly. “I will see you down at the settlement, Brother Alenko.”

Kaidan nodded, and as Jacob got up from his seat and started walking down the grassy hill Kaidan yelled, “Good luck!”

Jacob turned and smiled widely, “Thank you!”

Kaidan sat in the shadow watching Jacob disappear in down the hill with the flowers. _Anyone with a pair of eyes_ , he had not expected that.

-*-

Hours later Shepard walks across the west fold, making a shortcut for the lake. His arms full of foul smelling bed linens that all needed to be rinsed. He needed to keep busy, it was his coping mechanism, cause when he worked he was focused on the task, not thinking about how he missed talking to Alenko, and how he wished he could take all of it back, and they could go back to as it was before. He saw a figure sitting on the far end, he squinted his eyes into the sun, if he was not mistaken it was Alenko. His first impulse was to go there, but the moment he took a step off towards where Alenko sat, he stopped. He should not bother Alenko when he had gone this far for peace, so he turned on his heel and walked on towards the lake.

His path took him closer to Alenko, he turned his head to look and saw that Alenko had gotten to his feet and was walking down towards him. “Brother Alenko.” Shepard said with a smile, his arms still full of dirty linen.

“Knight-Commander Shepard.” Kaidan said fighting not to smile back. Maybe Jacob was right? Was that adoration he saw in Shepard’s eyes? He was not sure what he saw, or what he wanted to see.  “On your way to the women by the lake?” He asked, stating the obvious.

“Yes.” Shepard said, “I needed to go to the lake anyway, thought I might as well bring the linen.”

Kaidan nodded, “Would you mind if I accompanied you?”

“Not at all!” Shepard smiled again, but did not look at Kaidan for long, but instead just started to walk towards the lake.

“I have been meaning to talk to you.” Kaidan admitted, “I wanted to apologize for my hard words.”

“No need.” Shepard said softly, “You are right, and I was in the wrong.”

Kaidan nodded silently, not knowing how to react to that, he had not expected Shepard to just accept his words like this. “Still, I was unnecessarily cruel.”

“Do not think about it, no harm done.” Shepard said, and this time he dared to look at Kaidan briefly.

Kaidan clasped his hands together on the small of his back, maybe this had been a terrible idea? “What business do you have by the lake, other than the linen?” He asked casually.

“A bath.” Shepard admitted, “I have some cuts which Brother Virgil said had gotten infected, told me to go clean them.”

“Cuts?” Kaidan sighed, “Oh Shepard, what are you thinking? Any normal man would still be bedridden from your ordeal, and here you are doing hard labor. What about your hip and leg?” 

Shepard smiled to himself, “I am fit Alenko. I have no problems with my leg, or my arm.”

“So you would be fit for travel?” Kaidan asked a little sadly.

“Suppose so.” Shepard said with a little shrug, as he turned right to walk straight to the ladies by the lake, “My ladies.” Shepard said with a smile as he dumped the filthy linen on the ground.

 

Kaidan stood and stared at Shepard as he talked to the ladies, he would make them laugh and jest instead of being angry that more work had come their way.

Shepard came back to Kaidan, and stood there a bit insecure for a moment. “So, I should go do what I came for.”

“I should look at those cuts.” Kaidan heard himself say.

“There is no need, Brother Virgil…”

“I know medicine better than that quack.” Kaidan huffed.

Shepard laughed softly, “Very well then, come along.”

-*-

The walked around the lake on a small path. “How is your arm healing?” Kaidan asked primarily to break the silence.

“Okay.” Shepard said softly.

As they came to the lakeside secluded by vegetation, Shepard hesitated for a moment, not sure how to react to Kaidan, desperately not wanting to send him running again.

“Let me see your arm” Kaidan said, frowning slightly as Shepard held out a sunburned, grimy arm. He prodded it until he heard Shepard’s sharp intake of air. “Does that hurt?”

“Yes.” Shepard nodded.

“It’s not healed right.” Kaidan looked directly up at Shepard. “You risk that the bone won’t ever set correctly, if you do not keep it still.”

“How come you know so much about these things, Brother?” Shepard asked as he turned his hands to let Kaidan check his hands.

“I wanted to be a doctor.” Kaidan admitted, looking up at Shepard for a long second. “I thought I would go – uhm... I.”

Shepard nodded with a soft smile, only winching as Kaidan pressed an infected blister on his palm. “I understand, you had dreams of learning medicine as a child. You would have made a good doctor, I am sure of it.”

Kaidan nodded. “You have to wash these and hope that you get the infection out.” Kaidan said still investigating Shepard’s hands.

“I wanted to be a travelling merchant.” Shepard said with a little chuckle.

Kaidan looked up at Shepard with a little smile, “You jest.”

“No.” Shepard said in all seriousness, “There would come these foreign dignitaries to court, and James would let me see the gifts they brought him, they were magnificent, as exotic as their clothes, and language.” Shepard closed his hand around Kaidan’s for a moment. “And all I wanted was to see the far away sandy beaches and the strange animals depictured.”

“What did you want to sell?” Kaidan asked caught up in the intimate air.

“I don’t know.” Shepard admitted, “I never got so far in my plans before someone handed me a sword and told me to fall in line.”

“You could still see your dream happen.” Kaidan said softly, “When you leave here, you could go take up a contract on a ship instead of going back to court. Maybe that was why you were sent here in the grander scheme of things.”

Shepard tilted his head and studied Kaidan. “I might.” He wanted to say ‘only if you come with me’ but Alenko had made his intentions quite clear, and Shepard knew that an invitation like that would be most unwelcome. Shepard took his hands back and went to sit down on a fallen tree, carefully taking off his boots, wiggling his toes burying them in the loose dirt. “That feels so good.” He laughed as he pulled his shirt off.

Kaidan’s first reaction was to turn around so Shepard would have his privacy. “When did you have a bath last?” Kaidan asked.

“Oh it must have been back at court.” Shepard said as he dropped his pants, standing naked by the lake giving Kaidan’s back a longing stare before he strode off into the water and emerged himself completely in the cool water of the lake.

Kaidan slowly turned around as he heard the splash. Only to see Shepard merge rubbing water out of his eyes. “Come in!”

Kaidan shook his head demurely.

“Please don’t tell me that Brothers don’t bathe either.” Shepard said, knowing that his words might have the opposite effect.

Kaidan squirmed, he really should leave, but the water really did look welcoming, and no one would know. This spot was secluded. “Turn around.” Kaidan said gesturing with his hand for Shepard to turn his back.

Shepard turned around, but stole a look over his shoulder at Kaidan on the lakeside. Who would have thought there was such a beautiful figure under those terrible robes? He hurried to turn back before Kaidan caught him looking.

Slowly walking out into the water, Kaidan sighed blissfully, it truly was fantastic. He could not remember when he had last bathed in a lake; he must have been nothing but a young boy. He splashed Shepard’s back playfully.

Shepard turned around and laughed, “See? It’s absolutely divine.”

“You were right.” Kaidan said happily staring off into the sky. There was not a cloud in sight, insects buzzing lazily and birds chirped in the background. If he closed his eyes he could imagine all these years, terrible years, he had spent in the temple was erased, or never happened. He almost expected to hear Ashley laugh.

“You look heavy with thought.” Shepard said, “You can talk to me, you know that.”

Kaidan nodded. “I was just admiring the scenery.”

“And?” Shepard said softly.

“Kaidan.” Kaidan said, “My name is Kaidan.”

Smiling Shepard looked down at his blurry hands under the water, “It’s a lovely name.” He said not sure how to respond.

“And I hate being a Brother.” Kaidan finally said with a sigh. “I just don’t know how to do anything else. My life has been like this for so long, that I can’t remember what it was like to be happy.”

Shepard gingerly took a step closer in the water.

“I had never in my wildest nightmares imagined my parents would ship me off to this fate, they could have let me study medicine, they knew I loved it, and they knew I had flair for it – my tutor had said so.” Kaidan said with a broken voice, “But because of my condition I could not be allowed to... to... They had to hide me, like they were ashamed of me.”

When Shepard just stood still and listened, the droplets of water on his shoulders drying in the sun, Kaidan let his biotics flare for the first time in years, and felt mostly like crying.

“You’re a biotic.” Shepard stated.

“Yes.”

“You lied to me.” Shepard said, “You said you and the brothers were sent here to care for the fugitives.”

“I know.” Kaidan took a deep breath, “Forgive me, but I could not tell you we were sent here not because we wanted to save the flock, but because we are all biotics and were on the ABM’s list.” Before he knew it, he had Shepard’s arms around him, being pulled in for an embrace. “I forgive you.” Shepard said softly. “And I understand your fears.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry about the cliffie :P

Shepard eventually left the water, lying down on the bank to dry off; he closed his eyes and listened to the silence around him.

The lake was warm and, Kaidan found himself wishing that he would never have to leave the comforting water. When he finally made his way up to the bank, Shepard was fast asleep. Kaidan looked over at his robe, torn between just putting it on and lying down beside Shepard. In the end, his modesty won out and he went for his robe.

The sun was almost set as Shepard woke. He slowly sat up and yawned, shivering a little because the air was chilly now, trying to recall where he was and what he was doing there. He looked over his shoulder and noticed he was alone, but someone had built a fire for him.  Kaidan’s robe was gone so he just assumed that he had left. He sighed, cursing that he had fallen asleep. Brushing off dirt, gravel and tiny twigs, he got dressed. When he reached for his shirt he noticed a small bundle of flowers, He took them up noting that they were bound by twine so it was definitely on purpose. He raised an inquisitive brow as he studied the flowers. Did Kaidan leave him flowers?

“You like them?” Kaidan asked behind Shepard.

Shepard spun around and stared wide-eyed at Kaidan, flowers in hand. “Kaidan.” He just stated lamely. “I... Yes… but... did – did you build that fire?”

“Yes…” Kaidan said a little hesitant, answering both questions with one word. “I wanted to give you a gift, and...” Kaidan looked down at the firewood in his arms. “You are right, it is a silly gift.”

“It is not silly!” Shepard said, cupping Kaidan’s face with his hands, he kissed him again. As the kiss ended they just stood there and stared at each other for a while. “What changed your mind?” Shepard whispered, his hands still cupping Kaidan’s cheeks.

“I’m not sure.” Kaidan said softly.

“It matters not.” Shepard smiled, looking down at the flowers in his hand. “No one ever gave me flowers before.” His smile widened. “Thank you Kaidan, they are lovely, truly they are.”

Kaidan nodded and slowly walked over to the side of the fire and dropped the firewood in his arms. “There, should be enough for the rest of the night now.”

“You never stop to amaze me.” Shepard said with a soft sigh as he sat down and stuck his feet out to get warm.

“Brothers are not taught to build a fire.” Kaidan said with a little sly grin, “I _did_ go hunting with my father and cousins when I was young.”

Shepard laughed, “I wondered, I did not ask.” He poked the fire cautiously, just as his words were guarded, not wanting Kaidan to get angry with him again.

“So…” Kaidan gingerly sat down next to Shepard, and on purpose closer than polite, but close like they were closer than close.  “Have you given it any second thought? Taking up contract on a ship?”

“No.” Shepard answered honestly, as he wrapped an arm around Kaidan and pulled him even closer. “How come you ask?”

“Because.” Kaidan laughed a little at himself, “When I was picking those flowers, I got some time to think, and decided that if you were to leave, and if you wish me to, I would follow.”

Shepard’s smile faded a little and became a sad expression. “You wish to come with me?”

“Yes.” Kaidan said with a short nod. “But only if…”

“I would love that Kaidan, I surely would.” Shepard rested his head against Kaidan’s. “But I cannot just leave. I have a fami-“

“I know.” Kaidan said softly, cutting Shepard off.

“But I wish we could.” Shepard said softly, “Just take up and vanish. You and I.” He turned his head and kissed Kaidan’s temple, “But as it is, we can just make the best of it.” He smiled against Kaidan’s skin.

Kaidan turned his body so he was sideway into Shepard’s embrace. “I like the fantasy.” He whispered, “You and I on a ship destined for far away ports.” He licked his lips, staring up at Shepard’s blue eyes, which looked slightly dark grey in the orange light of the fire. “I won’t leave this place, I accepted my fate. But maybe you and I could – could love for a little while, just until you go back to your life and your family.”

“And leave you here?” Shepard kissed the corner of Kaidan’s lips.

“Of course.” Kaidan whispered. “You belong with your wife and child. This is… is, just…” His voice trailed off, cause he didn’t know exactly what it was, he wanted desperately for Shepard to love him, but he knew that it was only natural that he would chose his family over him, he had no claim to Shepard what so ever. This was why he had turned him down, because he wanted him so much, but knowing that giving in to it would break his heart.

“Shhh.” Shepard hushed, pulling Kaidan down with him to lie on the ground next to the fire. “Leave the sadness for another day.”

Kaidan nodded a little, closing his eyes in bliss as he felt Shepard’s hands under his robe, touching places that no one had touched before. It was a dangerous path they both set down upon, it was not only the Brothers who frowned upon a union such as this, Shepard had gotten away with the best known secret for years because he was the Knight-Commander, but Kaidan was no one, and a biotic at that.

“Kaidan?” Shepard asked softly, running his hands down Kaidan’s sides, “You won’t hurt me.” He said pulling Kaidan down for a deep kiss.

Not since he had been put on that cart from his parents’ house had he been this unsure of anything, even with Shepard guiding him, it felt funny, and wrong. Shepard wrapped his legs around his butt and pulled him closer; Kaidan stared directly down into Shepard’s eyes, biting his own lip just to make sure this wasn’t a dream, because it sure seemed like it. All the hands, tongue, mouth and sweat left him feeling slightly dazed. Only Shepard’s breathless whispering kept him grounded.

“Second thoughts?” Shepard whispered, laying still, catching his breath.

“No... Yes...” Kaidan finally mumbled.

“Your head is far away my lovely.” Shepard said softly, caressing Kaidan’s cheek.

“Forgive me.” Kaidan said, slowly moving off Shepard, his body screaming at him as he lost the close physical contact.

Shepard ran a hand down over his face, before popping up on an elbow studying Kaidan as he covered himself. “No harm done.” Shepard said with a smile. When Kaidan didn’t look at him or made any other attempt at communicating, Shepard slowly got to his feet and walked down to the water again, jumping into the cold dark water headfirst. He hoped that the cold would rid his body of the intense buzzing under his skin.

When he finally walked up on the shore again Kaidan was seated the same place as he was before he went to the water. “Kaidan?” He asked, teeth clanking from the cold. “Come now, I spoke truth – no harm done.” When Kaidan wouldn’t look at him, Shepard lowered himself onto his knees in front of the other man. “Kaidan, look at me.” He placed a friendly hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Forgive me; I thought you wanted it as much as I did.” He sighed heavily as he got to his feet again, and walked over to the fire to get warm. He stared off into the flames, angry with himself for ruining this again. He had honestly thought that Kaidan wanted it too, he had not said no. It was with a heavy heart he slowly got dressed.

“I thought I could make love with you.” Kaidan suddenly said, “But I cannot.”

“I understand.” Shepard said with a little nod.

“Thank you.” Kaidan said, standing up wrapping his robe around himself. He came over to sit next to Shepard, and this time the proper distance.

“Is it because of Jaqueline?” Shepard asked, finally touching on the subject they had both largely ignored.

Kaidan didn’t answer, he just shrugged.

Shepard just looked down at the ground between his feet, “I understand if you think me dishonest when I betray my wife so easily. But I swear to you that –“

“You will leave here soon, I know that.” Kaidan finally said.

“Oh.” Shepard inched a little closer to Kaidan. “You could come with me.”

“To what end?”

“I do not know.” Shepard laughed softly at his own lack of reasoning. “Maybe we could find out together?” He asked softly, wrapping his arm around Kaidan’s shoulder again.

“Truthfully?” Kaidan turned his head and looked at Kaidan until he was cross-eyed.

“Truthfully.” Shepard nodded to emphasize his words.

Kaidan looked away and discomfort rolled off him in waves. “Still I don’t think I can – do _that_ … with you, I want to, but…”

“I already you that I understand.” Shepard said, trying his best not to look or sound disappointed.

“I truly do not think you do.” Kaidan finally said as he studied Shepard with a broken expression. “Lies come so easy to you.”

“You think me a liar?” Shepard asked not sure if he was confused or frustrated.

“Yes.” Kaidan said with a slight nod, “I think you are telling me the same sweet nonsense as any other whom you fancy.”

Shepard took his arm off Kaidan’s shoulder, and clasped his own hands between his knees. “Maybe you’re right.” He said in a near whisper, “But it doesn’t make them less true.”

“I beg to differ.” Kaidan said, getting to his feet, and without a word just walked off from the fire, and Shepard.

“Wait!” Shepard called after him, but he didn’t even slow down his pace, in fact, he practically ran all the way up the dirt path.

Shepard sat for a while, watching the flames die out, rolling the flowers between his fingers. He knew that Kaidan lied; he knew that he wanted it just as badly as Shepard did. So why did he run like a frightened maiden every time? It wasn’t as if Shepard could ask for his hand in marriage or give any guarantees. He would only take so many rejections, and maybe it was just time he gave up and accepted that Kaidan would never be anything but a friendly smile for as long as he resided here at this camp. It was true wasn’t it? He would leave soon and go back to the city, hopefully he would find his wife and child safe and sound, and would there really be room for Kaidan in all that? Shepard knew the answer, he knew that what he had said and done was true, even if he had said those very same things to many others, he had truthfully never meant them before. Maybe that was why it was so hard to understand that Kaidan didn’t want him, it was not a striking fancy, Shepard was very willing to wait for as long as he had to, if he only thought that he would eventually have a lover in Kaidan.

He tossed the flowers into the embers and watched them curl up and blacken. He would make one more attempt to make Kaidan see he spoke the truth, and if he refused to come with him back to the city, he would leave alone.

-*-

The next time Kaidan saw Shepard at all was in the middle of camp where he walked about with a fussing baby. He wasn’t exactly sure how Shepard would react to him after that evening by the fire. He was pretty sure that Shepard knew that he wasn’t exactly truthful, just the thought of not having Shepard around filled his chest with the most curious hollow feeling. He was just about to turn and walk away before he was spotted, but knew he was too late when he heard the well-known voice call, “Brother Alenko!”

Shepard stood smiling with the crying baby in his arms.

“Knight-Commander Shepard.” Kaidan said politely and didn’t walk away, even as Shepard came over to him carrying the baby.

“What brings you down here?” Shepard asked, offering the baby his finger as a pacifier.

“I uhm...” Kaidan sighed and smiled terribly self-conscious. “I was looking for you.”

“Oh?” Shepard said, his eyes lit up a little. “How come?”

“I was – “ Kaidan stopped and took a deep breath, this had sounded so much better in his head. “I was worried that you had left without saying goodbye.” He shrugged, “It has been days since any of the brothers had seen you.”

“I’m flattered by the concern, but I would never do that.” Shepard said, and softly added, “To you that is.”

Kaidan smiled and looked away, hoping to the void that he would not blush. “Whose child is that?” He asked, deciding to change the subject.

“You know him.” Shepard laughed a little amused, “You were there when he came into the world.”

“Oh.” Kaidan laughed a little as well at his own stupid mistake.

“The father is away working elsewhere on the camp, and the mother she really looked like she needed a break, so I figured that I would – at least try.” Shepard added a little shyly, “I know nothing of babies.”

“Whatever you are doing seems to work.” Kaidan said noting that the baby had not been screaming its head off for the last minute, and seemed to blink heavily on the brink of sleep.

“Would’ya look at that.” Shepard beamed, “He is almost asleep.” He looked up at Kaidan with a sorrowful gaze, “You know my own child is about this age. I know it was Jaqueline’s idea to get a permit, and I only went along with it to make her happy, but still – “ He paused and smiled a thin smile, “You were right that evening by the lake, I do feel obligated towards my family, but not in the way you think. My son or daughter deserves to have a father, it’s hard to explain. I desperately wish I knew if my child is even alive, or if King James honored the promise he made me when I left for his futile campaign.”

“Of course.” Kaidan said full of understanding.

“I told you that Jaqueline and I was never in love, nor has love ever blossomed between us. She was impregnated because she wished it so. I love her, I will not lie to you – but I do not love her as a wife.” Shepard said, “I do however owe my child the best life I can possibly give it, and I cannot do that from here.”

Kaidan nodded, recalling Shepard’s confession when he arrived. “I respect that about you, I truly do.”

“Come with me.” Shepard said, “I care not how long I have to wait for you to return my love, I know you feel it too. I just want you by my side and hopefully I can prove to you that I speak the truth.

Kaidan’s breath was caught in his throat. “I cannot promise you that commitment as of this moment – I… I need time.”

“To test my word?” Shepard asked.

“Maybe.” Kaidan said inefficiently avoiding answering. “Oh John, I remember you from court, you had a lot of lovers.”

“True.” Shepard said with a little nod, “Difference is that I never once promised them anything, nor would they have wanted me to.”

Kaidan blinked a little confused, and when he spoke, his voice was a whisper. “I don’t know what to do with _this_ , us. I think it better that you return to -”

“Would that make you happy?” Shepard answered in a low voice, “If I left and you didn’t have to make a choice?”

“No of course not.” Kaidan hissed annoyed.

“You want to know what I think?” Shepard said softly, “I think that you cannot go back to what you were, and I think you deserve so much more than what was given you. I can give you everything I am if you only come with me.”

Kaidan stared transfixed on Shepard, “I want to trust you.” He finally whispered barely audible.

“Then trust me.” Shepard said as he reached up with his free hand, caressing Kaidan’s cheek.

“I need a little more time.” Kaidan said, wringing his hands.

Shepard smiled sadly, knowing that Kaidan was testing his resolve and honor, but he wasn’t quite sure why. He had never done anything to make Kaidan think that he was fickle or untrustworthy. “As long as you need.”

-*-

“Knight Commander!” A soldier tore through the camp in search of his former commander, he burst in through the tent where he slept, finding Shepard still asleep. “Knight Commander! Wake up!” He shook Shepard’s shoulder roughly.

“What?” Shepard sat up in bed with a start.

“This!” The soldier pushed a poster up into Shepard’s face.

Shepard gently took the paper from the soldier and read it with increasing dread. “He lost his mind!” He looked over at the soldier with a hard expression, “The king finally lost all senses! Have you shown this to anyone else?”

“No Sir.”

“Alright,” Shepard swung his feet out of his cot. “You did well, thank you. And not a word to anyone – for now.”

“Surely they will come here with a delegation.” The soldier said.

“Eventually yes.” Shepard said “But not today, so keep it to yourself – there is no reason to frighten people.”

“Understood Sir.”

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay and all - RL just got pretty hectic, but i'm sure you know the feeling.

Shepard crumpled up the poster and tore out of the tent, he ran barefoot through the cold sludge on the paths of the camp and up the hill to the temple, he had to find Kaidan! He startled two brothers in the long dimly lit corridor as he sprinted past them. He finally came to a halt in front of Kaidan’s cell door; he didn’t knock but just ripped it open. “Alenko!” He whispered urgently, “Get up!” 

Kaidan sat up in his cot wide eyes and confused, “Commander, what are you doing here?” 

“It’s important.” Shepard tried to steady his breathing from the long sprint, but had enough thought to turn and close the cell door behind him. He sat down on the side of the cot staring at Kaidan with frightened eyes.

Kaidan couldn’t remember he had ever seen or heard fear in Shepard’s voice that only unsettled him even more. “What… what is –“ 

“Oh Kaidan.” Shepard took Kaidan’s hand, “I know I said I’d wait for you, but the time for waiting is over. Please Kaidan come with me – tonight.” He bit his lip feeling words just tumble out much like his heartbeat so fast he thought he might pass out.

“What?” Kaidan looked at Shepard “You are not making any sense, what frightened you so?” 

Shepard sighed, he pulled the crumbled poster from his tunic, “This.” He handed it to Kaidan who turned in the bed to get light from the candle. 

“What is… he lost his mind.” Kaidan gasped.

“I know.” Shepard said and hung his head, as if he felt slightly guilty. But maybe if he had refused to go, the king would never have listened blindly to the ABM. “We have to go Kaidan; it’s only a question of time before they come here.” 

“The queen...” Kaidan mumbled, “Who would have thought?” 

“I don’t care about the queen, I care about you, and I have to get you safe. Please by the void let me do that.” Shepard begged, “Please don’t stay and get yourself killed for this.” 

“You think they will kill everyone?” Kaidan whispered.

“Yes.” Shepard whispered back, “Come now Kaidan, if the king is willing to sacrifice his queen, then do you really think that they won’t kill the mob?” 

“No…” Kaidan whispered, “But that is insane!” 

“I know.” Shepard whispered back. “Please, please come with me, we can just slip away in the dark, no one has to know.” 

“We should warn them! We could...” 

“No!” Shepard barked, “That would just create a panic.” 

“So you think it’s fair that you want to save me, but leave the rest of these good people in the hands of those madmen?” Kaidan straightened up and shook his head, “Either you warn them or I am staying to warn them myself.” 

“But if I warn them you’d come with me?” Shepard said as a weak smile formed on his lips.

“Yes.” Kaidan said with a little nod. 

“I love you!” Shepard rambled and kissed Kaidan square on the mouth. “Let’s go then.” 

 

-*-

True to his word Shepard had marched in and handed the poster to the brother whom Kaidan had said he trusted to get the word out to the camp. And then they had went to Shepard’s tent, picked up the very few things they needed and rallied the men which Shepard had left asking them if they wanted to come or not. Most chose to join them and as they set out of the camp towards the border they were twenty strong. 

“I still don’t like sneaking off like this.” Kaidan said softly.

“Sometimes running is what keeps you alive.” Shepard said looking over at the village in the distance. “Self-preservation isn’t always cowardice, sometimes it’s just the sensible thing to do.” 

“But what if they come to slaughter all those poor people? Without you and your soldiers they are just ripe for the picking.” Kaidan argued in a low voice.

“Say we managed to kill the soldiers who came along the ABM officials, then what? Take on the entire empire? That is madness Kaidan.” Shepard wrapped an arm around Kaidan’s shoulders and pulled him tight so they walked side by side. “Besides,” He whispered in Kaidan’s ear, “These men aren’t loyal to me, they were deserters to begin with, remember?” 

Kaidan nodded in silence, just wanting to get far enough away so he might feel free of the brotherhood. 

-*-

Kaidan sat and stared into the flames of the fire, he looked up and saw three fires like his, men huddled around them, some talking, some sleeping. “Kaidan.” Shepard said stepping into the light of the fire, “These are for you.” He handed Kaidan a bundle of clothes. “It was what I could scrape together of what people had brought along.” 

Kaidan just looked up at Shepard with a puzzled gaze, “Clothes?” 

“You are not a brother anymore, you are free to do exactly what you want.” Shepard sat down next to him and smiled widely.

Kaidan nodded and took the clothes gingerly. “Free.” 

“Scary?” Shepard asked.

“Yes.” Kaidan said with a little mirthless laugh, “All my life people have told me what to do, and now suddenly I have all this freedom, and I can’t make myself feel it.” 

“It will grow on you.” Shepard said as he leaned in and kissed Kaidan on his cheek.

“And what if this freedom means that I got up and left right now?” Kaidan asked with a dark tone.

“Then it was your choice.” Shepard said, “I would be heartbroken, but I would let you leave if you wanted to.” Shepard said as he placed the clothes in Kaidan’s lap. “I’d rather you stayed with me because you chose to, than because you felt like you had to.” 

Kaidan stared at Shepard for a long time. “You mean that?” 

“Yes.” Shepard said, confused as the clothes were handed back to him. 

“Very well then, I want to return to the camp and help the people you left behind.” Kaidan said as he stood to his feet.

“I don’t understand.” Shepard mumbled, scrambling to his feet. “I thought you wanted to be free.” 

“As you thought I’d give you my virtue.” Kaidan said coldly.

Shepard took a deep breath, “You are right. And if you want to return to the camp you are of course free to leave.” He looked over at Kaidan’s angry form, “And your secret is safe with me.” 

“John, you need to learn how to ask before you assume and just take from other people.” Kaidan said, placing a friendly hand on Shepard’s shoulder.   
“What did I ever take from you?” Shepard asked with a tiny voice. 

“My life.” Kaidan stated flatly.

Shepard looked up at Kaidan in alarm. “How so?” 

“I was content in my place before I met you. I did not miss a warm smile or a voice, I didn’t care about anything but my duty – and then you came and that all changed. I can never be the same man.” Kaidan said.

“I didn’t mean to.” Shepard said softly. 

“But maybe it’s time I am the man I want to be instead of the man I was told to be.” Kaidan shrugged and looked over at the fireplace and the bundle of clothes. 

Shepard sat down by the fire again, poking it with a stick, “I’m going back to the capitol.” He mumbled, “I understand why you’d not want to come.” He turned his head and spoke in Kaidan’s general direction. “But I’d rest easy knowing you are safe from the ABM.” 

“Why?” Kaidan asked and walked over to the fire and rested on his knees, looking directly at Shepard’s profile in the orange light. “He gave you a death sentence for a reason; do you really wish to return only to have it carried out by the hangman?” 

“James would not…” Shepard stopped himself and turned to look at Kaidan “You told me your secret, maybe it’s time I told you mine.” He paused and looked back into the flames, “The child the queen had was not sired by the king.” 

“You?” Kaidan whispered urgently and scooted closer.

Shepard nodded, “She said she was barren.” He whispered, “For the king was already looking for a new wife to bear him an heir.” He wrapped his arms around his shins, staring into the flames, “She was so distressed and I just wanted to comfort her.” 

“Is that why you sent your wife from court?” Kaidan whispered.

“Partially.” Shepard nodded, “I was trying to protect Jaqueline and Miranda both, and the children too. I didn’t care too much about what would happen to me if the King ever found out, but..” 

“And you worry that he found out, and that is why he is going to execute the Queen under a large spectacle?” Kaidan asked.

“Yes.” 

“I understand.” Kaidan inched closer until he could wrap an arm around Shepard’s shoulders, “You are an idiot John Shepard.” 

“Yes.” Shepard smiled a bloodless smile, “I never told anyone before.” He turned his head and looked directly at Kaidan “But I trust you, and I wish you’d trust me.” 

“I saved you from death, and in turn you saved me from my existence. I say we are even.” Kaidan said.

“We are.” Shepard said with a little nod.

“So if I were to journey with you to the Capitol, you would be in my debt.” Kaidan said with a little amused smile, which confused Shepard. “When your business in the Capitol are over, you will take on work on a ship and leave this place, live your dream.” 

Shepard’s smile grew, “I can do that.” He said, and then his smile faded, “But I don’t expect that I’ll live long enough to walk out of the capitol.” 

“Nonsense!” Kaidan argued, “You and I will stand on the deck of the ship and hail the sandy shores” He squeezed Shepard’s shoulder lightly.

“So you are staying?” Shepard whispered.

“I am.” 

“I need to know…” Shepard took a deep breath because he wasn’t so sure he wanted the answer to his question. “What are we? Are you my friend or my lover?” The moment Kaidan opened his mouth to answer Shepard interrupted, “Wait, do not answer now.” He reached up and caressed Kaidan’s hand on his shoulder. “We need to sleep.” 

Shepard lay down in front of the fire, and to his surprise, Kaidan lay down behind him and spooned up against him. Hesitantly Kaidan wrapped an arm around Shepard’s chest, and with a smile, Shepard took the hand in his and held it close to his chest. 

 

-*-

The next morning Shepard woke alone, the fire had gone out, and half the men was missing, a rag-tag band of deserted soldiers sat and talked a short way away, their voices a constant low-key hum. Shepard sat up, he saw the bundle of clothes were gone but that could have been anyone stealing it in the dark of night. He looked around and found no trace of Kaidan. He looked away from the men at the other fireplace, he didn’t want them to see the disappointment on his face. His chest felt like it was going to burst, and most of all he felt like just letting go and weeping. He had been so sure last night, so sure that Kaidan would stay as his lover. He said he’d stay hadn’t he? Maybe he had just lied, everyone lied once in a while. Shepard took a deep breath and got to his feet, he picked up his jacket that he had used for a pillow, and walked over to the rest of the men. “Where are the others?” He asked.

“They left.” One man said, “Said they wanted to strike out on their own, I think some might have gone back.” 

Shepard nodded, “I see.” He looked over his shoulder in the direction of the border. “I am headed for the Capitol, you do not have to follow me, for to do so would most certainly mean death, but those of you who wish to attempt to cross the border are most welcome to tag along.” 

“I will.” A young soldier said, “I too wish to return to the Capitol, and my family.” 

“Very well, come on then.” Shepard said, while never really looking at the boy, but at the horizon hoping to see Kaidan walking back here. 

They were a total of four people when they left the makeshift campsite towards the border. Shepard, the boy Auden and two more. 

After they had walked for some hours Shepard finally stopped Auden’s chatter, “The priest, did you see him leave?” 

“No Ser.” 

“I did.” Another soldier said, “I think he went back to the camp.” 

Shepard nodded stoic, he didn’t trust his voice. 

“We all know you were fond of him Ser.” Auden said, “Maybe he left to –“ 

“Silence!” Shepard barked, “Not another word about him!” 

Auden closed his mouth and efficiently killed whatever he was about to say, and just marched on. 

 

-*-

They walked in silence, ate in silence and when the time came they laid down to sleep in complete silence. Shepard’s stomach rumbled weakly, the wounded bird they had managed to catch had not really fed any of them, it had only managed to hold off starvation. Never in his life had Shepard felt more alone and scared, he wasn’t sure what would happen when he made it to the Capitol, maybe they’d kill him on sight? And Kaidan, the brave, righteous little fool, they would kill him straightaway back at the camp. For a while, he entertained the fantasy of what would have happened if he had met Kaidan instead of Jaqueline back then, would he have fallen in love right away, as he had now? Would he had been consumed by the urge to have him by his side like now? He smiled bitterly to himself in the dark, Kaidan would never have given him the time of day, he was a noble and Shepard was a servant, albeit one with a sword and a fancy title, but he was not of noble birth and that was all those bastards thought about. Kaidan had his parents and a garden to folly about in, and Shepard had work and orders. No he would never have met Kaidan back then, how unfair that they met now. He found some comfort in Kaidan doing what he felt was right, he was many things but coward wasn’t one. In the end, he gave up on sleep and got up to relieve the night guard, “Kid.” He said as he walked over towards where Auden sat, “Go get some sleep.”   
“But..” Auden stared at Shepard, “Very well Ser.” He got up from the rock he had been sitting at. “Ser?” 

Shepard sat down on the rock with their only weapon, a poorly made bow. “Yes?” He looked up at the scrawny kid. 

“I would never have done that to you.” 

Shepard just stared at the kid in wonder.

Auden smiled weakly, “I bid you good night Ser.” He turned and walked back to the two other sleeping soldiers.

Shepard ignored it, and just stared out over the dark field. Light rain for a day’s time had soaked his clothes, but he didn’t particularly care about it, the weather matched his mood. Now all he had left in the world was to try to save Miranda’s child from whatever fate awaited. Shepard had no doubt in his mind that Miranda being a biotic was just the excuse, but the illegitimate child was the reason. If he could do one good thing with his life it would be to save the child from its ill fate, after all, he was responsible for the child’s very existence, and by the Void, he would do right by it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that ends the confusion.

“Commander.” One of the soldiers said while they walked, “I fear we must find the border soon, we will not survive another couple of days exposed.”

“I know.” Shepard just said.

“I think that Thane has contracted some sort of rot, his coughing sounds – not well.” The soldier whispered.

“I heard.” Shepard replied.

The soldier sighed and just walked on in silence.

After three hours, Thane stumbled and didn’t get up again. They all stopped and both Auden and the other soldier tried to get their friend back on his feet. “Commander!” The soldier sighed, “What are we to do? I don’t think he will stand up again.”

“I am no apothecary, nor am I his friend.” Shepard said in a clipped tone, “Do with him as you see fit.”

“Commander,” Auden said softly as he let go of the man on the ground, “We all understand your anger, but we are not the reason for it.”

Shepard still wore a mask of indifference, “Carry him if you must, but I am leaving.”

“The bow is Thane’s, it stays here.” The soldier said.

Shepard handed the bow to the soldier with a sneer, “Very well. May Sovereigns descend show you mercy.” He said with a strained, official tone before he turned to leave.

“Wait.” Auden called, “Ser, please.”

Shepard stopped and looked at the sickly looking young man. “What.”

“He is just scared, we all are.” Auden said, “I don’t want to die here on some forsaken field, and neither do you.” He squared his shoulders, “You need us – if someone were to attack you, you would perish quickly without friends at your side and the bow.”

Shepard nodded slowly, knowing the kid was right. “Maybe we could rest a little.” He mumbled.

-*-

And so it came to pass that Shepard carried Thane across the unforgiving barren fields towards the border.  His head swimming with unwelcome thoughts of Kaidan and how angry and betrayed he felt, and how underneath that was a sadness he wasn’t ready to feel. He had no right to feel it, Kaidan was never his, and for now his anger was the anchor, he needed to get this done.

“I see the tower!” Auden cried, “I see them! Praise the Void!”

Shepard smiled, they had made it, and just in time because Thane would not last another night if he did not see a doctor.

“Thank you Commander.” The soldier said, “You got us here like you said.”

“I had no part in that, you got yourselves here.” Shepard said labored as he struggled for a better hold of Thane on his back.

“We would have given up halfway were it not for you.” The soldier said.

“You don’t know that.” Shepard said, “Important thing is that you made it.” He turned his head and smiled at the soldier, “Come on,” And in silence, they all walked slowly down the hill and towards the border guard towers. Shepard was determined not to let anyone know how nervous he was, because he knew the quarantine procedure was most likely a hoax.

“HALT!” A soldier from the border control yelled, and they all stopped, Shepard shrugged Thane down on the ground, looking at him sideways, he wasn’t even sure he was still alive.

“Knight-Commander John Shepard reporting back.” Shepard said holding out his hands to show he had no ill intentions.

The border soldier looked at him, “Hmm, who are the others?”

“Serviceman first class, Abraham Manning.” The soldier said. “And that is – “He looked down at Thane who clearly wasn’t breathing anymore. “Oh.” He sighed, “It matters not who he was.”

“And who are you?” The border soldier said, looking at Auden.

“Auden.” Auden said.

“What more?” The border soldier asked, aiming an arrow straight at Auden’s face.

“Swiftstrike.” Auden finally choked out.

Shepard and Manning both turned their heads and stared at Auden in disbelief.

“First class royal Jaeger.” Auden was holding trembling hands up in front of his face between himself and the arrow. “Show mercy!”

Another border soldier joined them, “You brought back one of those savages? Explain yourself Knight-Commander Shepard.”

“They didn’t know.” Auden said with a shrill voice.

“He served me well for the time he has been at my side.” Shepard said tired, “I see no reason why he cannot serve the good King James.”

“He is an enemy deserter.” Manning pointed out.

“A pretty high ranked one it seems.” Shepard answered back, “He might have traits that he can teach, or information that will benefit the kingdom.”

The two border soldiers exchanged glares, “Very well, you two –“He pointed at Manning and Auden, “Come with me.”

Auden gave Shepard a thankful but frightened glance before he followed Manning and the soldier.

“Come with me Knight-Commander.” The other border soldier said, “You must see a doctor, and I assume that you are hungry.”

“Where are they taking Manning and the kid?” Shepard asked.

“Elsewhere.” The soldier said.

Shepard knew better than to ask, because he knew very well that just because he was offered a medical check and food was not the same as he wasn’t in danger.

-*-

He had been waiting for a long while before the doctor came in, much to Shepard’s surprise she was a smiling woman, she gave him her hand “Shepard.”

Shepard shook her hand confused, “You have me at a disadvantage I’m afraid.”

“Doctor Traynor,” The smiling woman said, “I am a friend of Kaidan.”

“You are?” Shepard inched closer to the edge of the examination table. “Is he well?”

“Just lie down and let me examine you and I will fill you in as well as I can.” She pushed Shepard back down on the table with a firm hand against his chest. “Are you coughing?”

“No.”

“Itching?”

“Define itching.” Shepard said blinking bored, sure that she could smell he had not had a bath in weeks.

“Duly noted.” Traynor said, “Are you dizzy?”

“Yes.”

She wrote something down and looked over his body, “When did you last eat?”

“Couple of days ago I had a little meat.” Shepard said.

Traynor nodded and while she fidgeted with her paperwork, she slipped him a note, and winked.  “I believe you are fit, you just need to put some meat on your bones and get some real sleep  - and a bath.” She gestured for him to stand, “I need to look for marks.”

Shepard pulled his filthy tunic off and dropped it. He raised his arms and let the doctor poke and prod, “You are severely underweight Commander, you have to pay special attention to your diet.”

Shepard said nothing, but just let her search his upper body for marks.

“He came through here some days ago, he didn’t look much better than you.” Traynor whispered, “What have you men been into out there?”

“Did he get through okay?” Shepard whispered.

“He’s a noble, what do you think?” Traynor said calmly, “I have to finish my exam.” She pulled the string of Shepard’s pants sending them pooling around his feet. “That is a serious wound you have here Commander,” She prodded the infected wound, “This needs attention.”

“Where did he go?” Shepard whispered.

“I don’t know.” Traynor whispered back, “But he said you’d want that note once you made it here.”

Shepard nodded.

“Alright I will send you on to a bath, and make sure someone brings you some food. You’ll be fit for travel tomorrow after you got some rest.” Traynor said as she turned her back to leave.

“The others I came with, what about them?” Shepard asked.

Traynor just shook her head; it was answer enough. “Go through the door on your left, I would imagine your bath is ready.”

Shepard sighed and pulled his pants back up. “They didn’t deserve that.” He mumbled as he too turned around and walked towards the room with the bath.

He didn’t dare to open the letter before he was alone. He looked at the beautifully swung letters, and could make out his own name. He focused so hard on trying to make out what the letter said that his head hurt. He’d just have to try again after he slept.

Lowering himself into the warm water was almost divine. As the filth washed off, he could see his own skin, gaunt and bruised. His arms skinny but sinewy, he used to be muscular but his body had started to eat itself in lack of other things to keep it running.

So Kaidan had been through here, so he had not returned to the camp as Auden had said, but why had he left? Why had he left a note here? In addition, where had he gone?

“Commander?” Traynor called before she walked into the room with her arms full of clothes. “Thought you would want some clothes, It’s standard army but I think it will fit you.”

“Thank you.” Shepard mumbled.

“I want to rinse out that infected wound before you get dressed.” Traynor said, and walked over to a table to fetch a cloth and a bottle. “I think I will stitch it closed for good measure.”

Shepard leaned forward in the tub so Traynor could get to work. “Please tell me, did they suffer?”

“Your friends?” Traynor asked softly as she dabbed the wound with the alcohol soaked cloth, making Shepard jerk due to the sting.

“Yes.”

“No they did not.” Traynor said, “They were shot from behind when they least expected it, a clean shot.” She paused and dug a little into the wound making Shepard hiss in pain. “The decree says that we have to put them before a firing squad, but no one want to do that. Sometimes it is families that seek refuge and – I would not want to be in the archer’s shoes.” She tossed the cloth on the ground and grabbed the needle. “You are a soldier, you know that sometimes you obey orders that you feel in your heart are madness.”

“Why spare me?” Shepard asked, “I am no noble, or of any importance –“He paused as she broke the skin with the needle. “I am just a soldier. Like those two.”

“Politics.” Traynor said with a bored expression.

“Politics.” Shepard growled. “Politics just got two perfectly fit soldiers shot, whose only crime was coming back from the other side of the wall. Madness.”

“But it also spared your life.” Traynor stated, “You see Ashley is the sister of Kaidan, and she is a darling of the royal court, and so Kaidan’s word means something in an outpost like this. Everyone wants to end their turn, and maybe aiding a noble will get them a good word in with the right people, and thus leave this cesspool of death.”

“You speak of the family as if you are friends.” Shepard said.

“We used to be, I am the child of their tutor.” Traynor said, “I grew up in the household, and it allowed for me to become a doctor.” Traynor pulled the needle out through the skin and pulled lightly on the thread. “He asked me of this favor, and I like everyone else wishes to return to the Capitol, so I called in favor and saved you, and in turn Kaidan will do what he can to have me reassigned.”

“I see.” Shepard whispered, “For what it’s worth, I thank you.”

“For what it is worth, I am glad you came.” Traynor said pulling one last time on the thread before tying it. “There, now you just need to get some food and sleep.”

-*-

Shepard was full and about to get in bed, the first real bed he had seen in over a year. He pulled out Kaidan’s letter again and studied the handwriting, perfectly formed letters; apparently, Kaidan had once taken great pride in learning the skill.

 

_Dear John_

_I trust Samantha has given you this letter upon your arrival. Forgive me for leaving, I will explain once I see you. Come to the crossroads between Edolus and Alsages, I will be waiting there by dawn for the next two weeks._

_Until I see you. -K_

 

Shepard sat back in bed and read the letter over four times, Edolus was far away, and if he was right, those two roads crossed in the Artemis-Tau region, which was quite far away, and in the whole other direction than the Capitol. However, Kaidan had not abandoned him as he had thought, the strange void in his chest lessened a little, and he smiled at the letter. Without Kaidan, he would have met the same fate as his poor companions. He felt a strange unrest, knowing that James had never had intensions of letting his own army back over the border.

-*-

The next morning Shepard woke with a start, his heart racing. He didn’t relax until he recalled where he was, slowly with aching joints he got out of bed. He would just get some food and then get on his way. He pulled on the standard army boots and the standard army jacket; it was like slipping into a forgotten costume. His life had turned upside down since he had ridden out through those gates, and he was no longer the same man. Even the uniform felt alien. He put on his best game face and walked out the room, finding the soldiers not on tower duty sitting around while a large boned man would chop up some meat in the far corner. “Good mornings to you.” Shepard said softly as he walked in.

The soldier whom had escorted him smiled weakly back, “We have stale bread and watered down wine,”

“The meal of a king.” Shepard said as he sat down at the table, looking out over the soldiers, they didn’t look much better than what he had seen on the other side of the wall. Someone handed him a mug with some wine in, he took a careful sip, it tasted just as awful as it always had, but it tasted like home.

“Knight-Commander, Ser.” One young soldier finally asked. “What is on the other side of the wall? What happened?”

Shepard sighed, “Death is on the other side, kid. It’s in everything, the air you breathe, the food you eat, the wine you drink and the women you bed. Those lands are dead, and why the King wants them is beyond me, but who am I to question his will.” Shepard said with a knowing smile.

The soldiers nodded. “Your campaign? Was it successful?” Another soldier asked, “Did you overthrow the warlords?”

“We did.” Shepard said, “The king might have lost battalion, but he won a country.” He paused, “The real question is what is the King going to do with it?”

One soldier hushed on Shepard, “That is a dangerous thought to have Knight-Commander.”

“Mayhap, but he have not seen what I have.” Shepard answered, “I will report back to –“

“With all respect Knight-Commander, I do not think that the King is taking an audience these days.” Another soldier said. “The Queens execution – Have the word reached you?”

“I have heard of it,” Shepard said with a frown. “What of the King’s child?”

“Prince Francis, the Void protect.” One soldier said, “No word on the prince, Commander.”

Shepard raised a brow, “I know how soldiers gossip, you must know more than this.”

“I know they searched for the mark on him.” One Soldier said, “But I do not know if they found it.”

“So no one knows if he has the condition too?” Shepard asked.

“Not that I know of.” The soldier said, “But thinks of if he had to order his own heir's death.”

“They are vermin.” A third soldier said, “Unnatural.”

“Aye, indeed.” The soldiers all nodded in unison.

“But they’re still people.” Shepard said with a puzzled expression.

“You have been isolated on the other side of the wall, you have not been here for the biotics riot, people died in droves Knight-Commander.” A soldier said solemnly.

“In the Capitol?” Shepard asked worried.

“In all the regions, and that was why the ABM issued a decree to ferret out the last remains, on the king’s order.” The Soldier said, “Soon enough they will have found them all, and maybe we avoid a civil war.”

“But he ordered death to everyone with the mark, no matter if they are aware of their condition or not.” Shepard argued, “Those people are someone’s parent, spouse or child.”

The soldiers all just stared at Shepard, “It’s our orders.” They just said.

Shepard wanted to yell ‘just like killing mothers and children’ but he didn’t, he just nodded. “I know.” He just said softly. He knew all about having orders and not questioning them, the moral crutch it was to know that you might do terrible things, but you were acting on someone else’s behalf. This was the mindset that allowed you to sleep at night.

“I need a horse.” Shepard said as he finished his wine.

“There are some left; we had to eat some of them when provisions failed to make it here during the height of the riots.” A soldier said. “You’d have to ask the camp commander though.”

“Where is he?” Shepard asked.

“The tent with the ridiculous gold ornament, you can’t miss it.” A soldier said with a laugh.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off sorry about the delay, got slammed pretty hard by RL and other nastiness. Second, this chapter is really short and not betaed, so every mistake is mine and I apologize if it's hard to read. Third, I am going to write my mass effect big bang now, because once we kick off I'm too busy with the administrating and don't have time to write (believe me), so it might be a month before I get around to updating again. 
> 
> I would like to hear you guys though, should they make an escape or should Kaidan's father make it home?

”Commander?” Shepard said as he hesitantly pulled the tent flap aside, peeking inside.

“Who wants to know?” A bulky man said annoyed, not even turning around to see who entered his tent.

“Knight-Commander Shepard.” Shepard said waiting for the camp commander to react.

“I see.” The camp commander said, “You’re in my camp, you will address me with Sir.”

Shepard rose a brow, but figured that there was a time to pull rank, and a time to shut up. “Very well, Sir.”

The Bulky man turned around to look at Shepard, “Knight-Commander Shepard huh? The Shepard who rides with the king – You look like a scrawny farmer to me.”

Shepard smiled amused, “I might be a farmer, I might be the knight-commander, but are you willing to gamble with your life like that?”

The camp commander looked Shepard up and down, “I heard Shepard died.”

“I didn’t.”

The camp commander shrugged, “Let’s assume you’re telling the truth, and that you are Shepard, and that you did survive the plague.” He paused and scratched his beard. “What could I do for you?”

“A horse.” Shepard said.

“Oh nothing more?” The camp commander laughed merrily.

Shepard just stared at the camp commander, “The doctor said I was not sick –“ When the camp commander gave him a stern glare, Shepard nodded and added ‘Sir’.

“Did she by chance also tell you that our provisions failed more than once?”

“At the height of the riots, yes.” Shepard said, “But not recently. Sir.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Get out of my tent, peasant.” The camp commander dismissed Shepard with a wave of his hand.

Shepard just bowed slightly and left the tent, that fat imbecile how dared he? Shepard looked around and from where he stood he counted five horses, he looked over his shoulder. Did he really want to add horse thief to his résumé? He had been ridiculously lucky to even get through the border control with his life, but if they caught him stealing a horse he might not be so lucky twice.

He made a swift decision and went for a horse, he soothed it, talked to it as he unfastened it from the hook. He kept talking to it, walking slowly till he couldn’t see the camp anymore. Then he got on the horse with great labor, his side hurt and his bones ached, but he could do this.

-*-

It took him two days to get to where Kaidan had asked him to be, the forest was silent and there was no Kaidan. He didn’t dare to call out so he just let go of the horse, letting it wander into the thick bush. He was so tired he felt faint, this might not have been one of his better plans, riding for days without food or sleep. He walked over to a tree and slumped down, what if he was too late? What if Kaidan had given up waiting? He was too tired to make a plan. And if anyone found him he was too weak to fight – all in all he could just as well take a nap.

-*-

Kaidan had all but given up on Shepard making it, but none the less he made daily trips to the crossroads. It was harder and harder to make excuses for his trips. He was pushing his luck he knew that, his father had been surprised to see him, but had let him in even if it could be dangerous.

When he saw someone sitting sleeping up against a tree. He didn’t dare to hope, but it was with a beating heart he got off his horse and slowly walked over to the sleeping man. He studied him in silence, and a smile spread on his face as he recognized the knight-commander. “Shepard.” Kaidan shook Shepard’s shoulder gently. “Shepard, wake up.”

Shepard startled awake, almost knocking Kaidan on his ass. For a split second he looked confused, and then he smiled. “Kaidan.” Never had he seen Kaidan like this, groomed and dressed in the finest clothes. “You look like a prince.” He said, chuckling at himself.

“Thank you.” Kaidan holding out a hand to Shepard to stand. “Come we have to leave.”

Shepard didn’t question it, he just followed Kaidan to the horse, allowing Kaidan to help him up.

“We’re going to my family’s house, but I have to hide you in the hayloft.” Kaidan looked up at Shepard on the horse and smiled a little embarrassed. “I do not think father would appreciate harboring more fugitives.”

“I understand.” Shepard said with a tired mumble.

“I will bring you some clothes and food.” Kaidan promised.

“Thank you.” Shepard said giving Kaidan a fatigued smile.

Kaidan led the horse through tiny goat paths, and back through to get into the horse stable without anyone seeing them. He ushered Shepard into the hayloft silently.

-*-

Shepard was too tired to ask questions, and when Kaidan came back with clothes and bread he was fast asleep.

-*-

For weeks Kaidan had left for his ride at noon, but today he was out in the garden reading a book. Kaidan’s mother, Sarah, looked at him from the house, worried what her husband would say when he returned to find his son home, after all Kaidan had always been a gentle soul.  Secretly she was overjoyed that her son was home, even if it could mean serious problems if anyone saw him here, and they had not reported it to the ABM. She left the house and walked out into the garden to her son.

Kaidan felt the presence behind him and turned around, shielding his eyes from the sun. “Mother” he said with a soft smile, “What brings you out here.”

“Why are you not out on your ride?” She asked

“Father is right.” Kaidan said, “It is too dangerous.”

“Your father is returning home soon.” Sarah said.

“I see.” Kaidan said with a nod.

“I wish you would turn yourself over to the ABM.” Sarah said sadly, “We can vouch for your sanity, morality and –“

“Do you think that would make a difference?” Kaidan asked, anger snuck into his voice.

“No” She said, “But if word got out –“

Kaidan smiled bitterly, “You worry it would reflect badly on you.”

“This is not about you.” Sarah said, her voice strained. “It’s about the world gone mad.”

Kaidan just nodded, but didn’t voice his thoughts. He knew this was about Ashley and about marrying her off to someone important. “I will leave if you ask it of me.” Kaidan said softly, “But I will not turn myself in to the ABM.”

“Talk with your father when he gets back.” Sarah said, reaching out for Kaidan’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “I wish things were different.”

“So do I mother.” Kaidan said, looking up at her with a sad expression, “When is he expected back?”

“Tomorrow.” She said.

“Tell me the truth mother.” Kaidan said, squeezing her hand a little tighter, “Would you rather I left before he comes home?”

Sarah was unable to meet her sons gaze, and instead countered with her own question avoiding to answer. “Would you rather be gone when he comes back?”

“I do not know.” Kaidan said softly.

-*-

When the house slept and it was dark outside, Kaidan snuck into the stable and up the ladder carrying more bread. “Shepard? Are you still here?” He whispered.

Shepard sat up in the hay, rubbing his eyes. “Was beginning to think you forgot me,” He joked, his sleepy smile died on his lips when he saw Kaidan’s worried frown. “What is wrong?”

“Everything.” Kaidan sighed as he handed the bread to Shepard. “My father returns tomorrow, and I doubt he will be thrilled to see me here. Ashley has been dismissed from court and is also on her way here…” He sat down on a haybale, “And my mother keeps asking me to turn myself over to the ABM, I keep refusing but – But what if she is right? What if they are going to be in trouble for me being here?”

“Why don’t you wait and hear what your father has to say?” Shepard asked.

“You don’t understand,” Kaidan said as he ran a hand through his hair. “He is the one who set me up in as a brother, I have no seen him since – but our last words was not kind.” He smiled sadly, “I was furious that they would send me away, but none the less I did as I was told. And with the rise of the ABM I’m sure it’s even worse, he hated my abilities back then, called me unnatural and a disappointment to my heritage.”

“How could you be a disappointment?” Shepard asked, truly baffled. “You didn’t ask for it.”

“My father seems to be of a different conviction.” Kaidan mumbled. “Maybe, maybe we should leave tonight.”

Shepard nodded, “If that is what you wish.” He put down the last bread and scooted closer to Kaidan, placing a warm grimy hand on Kaidan’s knee, looking straight up into the biotic’s worried brown eyes. “Why are you scared? Surely not even your father would report you to the ABM.”

“You don’t know my father.” Kaidan whispered, but none the less, placed his own hand on top of Shepard’s. “John, I want you to know –“

“Don’t.” Shepard hushed him, reaching up with his other hand to caress Kaidan’s cheek, “Nothing bad will happen to you, I won’t allow it.”

Kaidan smiled, and for the first time he leaned down to kiss Shepard softly. “If only you could make such promises.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to cut this short, truth is that I simply don't remember what I wanted to write, but I do remember the end, so I sorta just re-arrenged things and pulled out all the inbetween. I have changed the warnings as a result of the changes. (with other words, I removed the happy end tag, and gave it an open ending tag) - Thanks to Portionsmaster for kicking my ass in regards to finishing this.
> 
> I listened to this while writing, thought I'd reccomend the new album by Faun while i was at it, it is super! [Faun - Federkleid](https://youtu.be/zOvsyamoEDg)
> 
> This is not betaed, no one I knew had the time. =) Live with it.

Kaidan and Shepard spent the night in the hayloft, enjoying each other’s company and the peace and calm. Shepard had fallen asleep leaving Kaidan to wonder out into the early morning. Come dawn he had made a decision. They would ride today, he was not going to risk his father’s wrath. Another Kaidan in another time would have done ‘what was right’ and submitted to the law, but that Kaidan would never have left his appointed role, neither would he ever have hoped for love and a different kind of life.

-*-

”Mother.” Kaidan came and sat next to his mother in the early morning light. “I think it best if I left within the hour. I know that leaving the brotherhood was not what you or father would have wanted me to do, but - ” He took a deep breath, “I am going to leave the country, you will never have to worry about it again.”

Sarah gave her son a sad smile. “I had wanted a different life for you, son.”

“I know mother.” Kaidan said softly, “But this is what I was dealt, and this is what I must, eh make better.” He smiled warmly at his mother. “Rest assured, I will be happy even if I will miss you.”

Sarah didn’t answer him at first, and stared fixated out the window at the garden bathed in orange light. “I fear it will not make a difference.”

“What?” Kaidan whispered. “What mother?”

Sarah refused to turn her head and look at him.

“What did you do mother?” Kaidan yelled, getting out of his chair so quick he knocked it over. “Answer me!” His voice shook with fright and anger.

Sarah looked past her son, “I sent word to your father when you arrived.”

Kaidan let out a pained sound from deep within his throat. “Mother, how could you?”

Sarah finally turned her head and looked at her son. “Because you are a fugitive, and I will not have Ashley’s chances at court be ruined because you aren’t content.”

“Content?” Kaidan yelled, “I was sent to die in a foreign province!”

“Don’t be so dramatic.” Sarah said softly but without conviction.

Kaidan breathed through his nose, trying to control his own panicking breath. “I am taking two horses, and you’ll never see me again.”

“For your friend in the barn?” Sarah stated.

“For my _friend_ in the barn.” Kaidan said, not really surprised that she knew. His mother had always had ears and eyes everywhere. Kaidan heard a commotion outside, looking down at his mother’s expression he realized he had run out of time. “I am not going back.” He stated, “And my blood is on your hands, mother.”

Sarah looked alarmed, “No!” She gasped and stood up trying to reach for Kaidan, but he swiftly moved a step backwards, out of her reach. “You must!”

Kaidan shook his head, “For too long I have done only what you expected of me, and where did that get me?” His lips was a fine bloodless line of determination, “It ends here.”

Voices yelled outside, and Kaidan finally jolted into action, sprinting out of his mother’s livingroom, and unto the back porch. His eyes scanned the garden in the direction of the barn, at first he didn’t see anything but after a moment he saw Shepard stumble out of the hayloft and fall to the ground. Kaidan’s blood ran cold, Shepard was still, much to still. Taking a step towards the barn completely focused on the still figure in the dirt, he had not heard anyone behind him. A warm hand grabbed his shoulder forcing him to stop.

“Leave him.” A deep voice said.

“Father.” Kaidan sighed as he recognized the voice, “unhand me.”

“They are here for him.” Lord Alenko said, “I made a deal with Lord Cortez, and they just want the traitor, you are free to return to your duties.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened. “Traitor? Shepard is no traitor.” He turned so quickly that Lord Alenko lost his hold in his shoulder. “He went above and beyond for his king, why would he be a traitor?”

“That is none of our concern.” Lord Alenko said with a little smile, “Important thing is that you are safe, son. You only have to follow them and be reassigned.”

Kaidan laughed coldly, “Are you that naïve? They will kill me first chance they get and claim that I tried to escape.”

“Lord Cortez gave me his word.”

“No!” Kaidan growled, “He will not take Shepard, and he will not take me.” To Lord Alenko’s mortification Kaidan’s entire body flashed blue with crackling energy, “I will kill him, and you before that happens.”

“Please son.” Lord Alenko pleaded.

“NO!” Kaidan yelled, the biotics crackling dangerously.

-*-

Shepard struggled to get to his feet, his right arm felt all wrong and numb, he figured he had broken it or torn it from its socket from the fall.

“John.”

Shepard blinked to focus on the man standing in front of him. Managing to get to his knees, Shepard just sighed and looked up at the voice. “Steven.”

“This hurts me more than it hurts you.” Lord Cortez said, rolling open a scroll.

“Somehow I doubt that.” Shepard mumbled, looking down at his numb arm, which just dangled like a broken branch at his side.

“His Royal Highness King James the third, demands you captured, prisoned and executed should you return from the province of Everdark. You stand accused of high treason, murder and conspiracy to murder the King.” Cortez said.

“Stephen.” Shepard said softly, “I love James like a brother, do you in your heart of hearts believe I would ever hurt him?”

“I do not know.” Lord Cortez shrugged. “What I do know is that you worked directly against the decree of the ABM, and therefore the King.”

“I see.” Shepard wet his lips, tasting blood in his mouth. “Jaqueline and my child?”

“They were exiled.” Lord Cortez said and finally a genuine smile broke through, “I saw to that myself, I know they are safe, for now.”

“Son or daughter?”

“A daughter.” Lord Cortez said, “She has her mother’s affliction, and I do not know for how long I can keep their aboding a secret.”

“I have no money to give you.” Shepard said in a near whisper.

“I know.” Lord Cortez said. “You can pay with your life.”

“How so?” Shepard asked looking up at Lord Cortez.

“I kill you here and now, and you take your knowledge of the prince to your grave.”

“He found out.” Shepard felt an insane laughter bubble up his throat. “So that is why I am a traitor?”

“He doesn’t know, but I do.” Lord Cortez shifted on his feet, clearly not comfortable with the topic. “Miranda the whore told the interrogators. And they told me.”

Shepard closed his eyes, he could only imagine what that statement actually meant. Poor Miranda, she did not deserve the fate dealt to her, all she wanted was to make her husband proud and happy.

“You abandoned your post.” Lord Cortez continued, “You deflected the war effort in the province of Everdark, and thus labelled yourself a traitor.”

“I did not.” Shepard said in a near whisper. “I killed the war lords, and won the province back.”

“That is not what the few of your men who made it home alive said.”

“Before or after they were interrogated?” Shepard asked, but received no answer.

For a while, Lord Cortez just stared down at Shepard who was slumped down on his knees at his feet. “What will it be? Shepard?”

“Will you keep the child safe?” Shepard asked in an empty tone, “I need to know.”

“For old times sake John.” Lord Cortez said, “Because we were once brothers, I will personally see that the child is shipped to far away shores with the next traders.”

Shepard shook his head, “Sell her into slavery?”

“When the ABM find her they will most likely kill her.”

-*-

“How did they know to find Shepard here?” Kaidan stared at his father, “Mother didn’t know who was in the barn.”

“Kaidan, let them take him, and forget about all this.” Lord Alenko said with a loving smile, “Please son, you do not want to be involved in this.”

“HOW!”

Lord Alenko took a deep breath, “Apparently your old tutors daughter –“

“Samantha?” Kaidan gasped, “She promised me! Dammit!”

“She is dead.” Lord Alenko said, “And your friend there, Shepard, will soon be dead as well. Do you really want to join them?”

Kaidan bit his lip, and then sent his father flying across the porch with a heavy biotic push, “John!” He yelled sprinting to where Shepard and Cortez stood.

Lord Cortez looked up, “There is the wayward biotic – kill him.”

“What? No!” Shepard growled trying to get to his feet.

“If I were you _friend_ , I’d worry about my daughter, not some biotic lordling.” Lord Cortez said with a hint of laughter in his voice. “I need your answer Shepard, my offer won’t stand for ever.”

Grinding his teeth to not scream in pain as he stood, Shepard looked directly at Lord Cortez and spit blood on the dirt between his feet. “What deal? You want to kill me and Kaidan -  and sell my daughter into slavery?”

Lord Cortez pointed at Shepard, “I could give you over to the ABM’s interrogators, I have seen their handywork, and I’m sure that after a couple of hours with them you’d wish you had just taken my deal.”

Kaidan sent the first three soldiers flying in a spectacular display of biotic powers. Shepard couldn’t help but to smile, impressed that someone who never honed his abilities knew exactly how to use them when it came down to it. “No deal.” Shepard spat. “Do your worst, Steven.”

“Very well.” Lord Cortez huffed, getting his sword out of its scabbard. Shepard looked broken, sickly and bleeding so Cortez had not expected him to react quickly, but none the less he had but gotten his sword in hand before his face erupted in pain as intense as fire.

Shepard easily took the sword from Lord Cortez as he grip lessed by the blow. Shepard blinked and a dull pain spread to his face and it sounded wet when he drew breath. He pointed the sword at Lord Cortez. “And when James comes for you? Then what Steven? He will and you know it!” Lord Cortez stared at Shepard, his gaze full of hate, trying to ignore the pain of the tip of the sword penetrating the skin of his collarbone. “His accusations against me are untrue, you know me Steven! I would never have betrayed James, never. I gave him everything – I was willing to die for his cause. Can you say the same?”

Kaidan came running having disposed of the soldiers. “Stop John!”

Shepard didn’t move his gaze from Cortez. “Give me one good reason not to put this swine out of his misery.”

“Please think it over.” Kaidan stopped next to Shepard panting. “My family will pay the price for a dead Lord in their barn.”

“But..” Shepard drilled the swordtip a little further down into Lord Cortez’ flesh. “For you my love.” Shepard whispered, “Anything.” Cortez let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “Steven – Where is my daughter.”

“With her mother.”

“Where are they?”

“Like the lordling said, kill me and his family will be prosecuted.” Lord Cortez gasped trying to will away the pain of in his shoulder.

“I owe no allegiance to his parents.”

“But he does.” Cortez countered.

“I am sure that Kaidan won’t let you hurt my daughter.” Shepard growled, “So where is she?”

“Go to the void.” Lord Cortez spat.

The soldiers that Kaidan knocked over started waking, and Kaidan looked around in a panic, he was out of energy, the blood flowed from his nose from exhaustion. “We have to go John. Please. If we stay we are dead.”

Shepard turned his gaze for a second to look at Kaidan’s pale bloodied face, his eyes wide in pain and panic. “Get a horse.” He whispered.

Kaidan nodded and sprinted into the barn and just grabbed the first horse he saw, he fumbled with the bridle, his fingers oddly stiff and cold kept slipping, and his head was pounding. Finally he decided it was good enough and hauled the horse out of the stable. Shepard was surrounded, but stood fast. “John!”

Shepard took a deep breath and rammed the sword down through Lord Cortez’ shoulder lodging the sword in the ground beneath the man. He turned and shouldered the nearest soldier, screaming in pain as he did so. Kaidan closed his eyes and used the last bit of energy he had to topple over the two most advancing soldiers closest to them, hoping to buy them time to get on the horse. Kaidan’s knees buckled, surprised as a strong arm caught him.

Getting on the hose was difficult but Shepard managed with help, when he turned to help Kaidan with his good arm, he just hauled Kaidan across the horse in front of him, kicking the scared animal for it to run as fast as it could. Kaidan curled around Shepard’s legs as good as he could, it hurt to lay on his stomach across the horse and used everything he has in him to not slide down and off.

Kaidan heard Cortez scream something in the background but the sound of the horse’s hooves hammering down into the ground overpowered any other sound. He felt Shepard’s legs tense up, but then kick the horse again forcing them out into the forest at a neck-breaking pace.

 

 

 


End file.
